The outsiders

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the bravery that’s involved in standing out and being different. Maybe it’s not brave for some people, but for me it sure feels that way. This is an ongoing challenge for me, because when I reveal that I communicate with angels I’m instantly identifying myself as different. And that’s not something I’m comfortable with.

The desire to fit in and blend in is a long-held safety mechanism for me. 

It goes back to primary school when I was bullied, which is when I learned that being different was a weakness, and consequently made you vulnerable. My strategy was to put my head down and hide as much as possible in the hopes no one would notice me. This was the genesis of the crippling shyness I am still occasionally shackled by (although I’m working hard at ensuring that I don’t let it hold me back as much as it has in the past). Even though this was decades ago and my safety is no longer at risk, that lesson, and the terror that encases it, has stayed with me. I know that there is no actual danger in owning my spiritual side, but still, I struggle with this. Another contributing factor is that I grew up in conservative New Zealand, where anyone who doesn’t fit the married-with-2.4-kids-and-a-white-picket-fence-in-the-suburbs model (and doesn’t want to) is regarded with some suspicion.

Instagram is littered with a trillion inspirational quotes urging us to be ourselves, to be who we truly are, to own it, to Be yonce (whoops, that doesn’t really belong in there, but it seems wrong to delete it). Case in point, this gem: ‘Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?’ Trite but true. And yet...

I’m acutely aware that what makes each one of us different is a key ingredient in our recipe for success. Last year I attended a discussion with Karen Walker and Mikhail Gherman (of the fashion label Karen Walker) about being outsiders and how they used that to their advantage. They said they didn’t go against the grain with their designs because they saw a gap in the market – they did it because it was who they were. They couldn’t do or be anything else.

This morning at the gym, among a sea of Lululemon singlets and sleek yoga pants, a guy strolled onto the treadmill with lime-green hair (like, tennis-ball colour), lollipop-pink socks up to his knees, and blue and white polka-dot shorts. At first I thought he was ridiculous, then I checked myself and realised that his non-conformity was something to admire. My initial discomfort was a response to my own fears about standing out. Which have nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me.  

The more market stalls I do and the more widely-read this blog becomes (which I’m told is destined to happen, eeek!) the more I’m going to have to own my spiritual geekery. Which means standing out. Which is terrifying. What I find interesting is that even though I know the worst-case scenario (so I might get judged by people who aren’t open to spiritual concepts... so what?!) isn’t actually that bad, the stranglehold that Fear has over me is still very strong. Unravelling that is going to take a lot of time and self-talk, I suspect.  Luckily being different is a vastly less dangerous now than it is in those merciless primary school years. I just have to keep reminding my subconscious - the part that wants to protect me - of that.

Words with friends, and with yourself

Words are hugely important to me. (I know that sounds ridiculously obvious, but bear with me – I am going somewhere with this.) Not only are words my currency (I’m a writer by trade), they’re my vehicle for interpreting the world. I’ve worked with a lot of designers who are primarily visual – they see the world in colours and shapes. Me, my frame of reference is words, both spoken and written.

 

I’m starting to understand more and more how the words I use, internally and externally, are creating my world more than they are reflecting it. Today I read an intriguing scientific study which found that all languages skew towards the use of happy words. The author notes: “This confirms the 1969 Pollyanna Hypothesis that there is a universal human tendency to ‘look on and talk about the bright side of life.’”



What this means is that we’ve been given the tools to be predominantly upbeat, optimistic people. Which is not to say that we should be happy *all* the time – you’re unlikely to want to bust out your biggest smile when someone rear-ends your car – but that the path of least resistance is to be positive, overall, even in the face of adversity. However, if you actually start to think about the types of sentences you utter on the reg, you’ll probably find – as I have – that they are predominantly negative. Oh.

 

Aaaaaaaand research also shows that even looking at a negative word for a few seconds is enough to release stress chemicals in your brain. Sad face.

 

The more I practice mindfulness, the more aware I am of the frequency that negative words pass through my brain and my lips. I’m making a habit of reshaping those. I’m not saying I’m ever going to be able to eliminate negativity completely – hello, I live in the real world! – but I think the more often I can reframe my mindset, the better. As noted in a previous post, the law of attraction means negative words and thoughts draw negative experiences into my world. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit.

 

Worth thinking about, right?

You know you know

During my angel card readings today I came across a few people who I could sense had been reincarnated many many times. Old souls. Wise souls. When I picked up on this and discussed it with them, there was an enthusiastic knowingness, as if they’d always suspected as much but needed confirmation from a total stranger, in this case a spiritual reader, to recognise it. They get déjà vu frequently, and get glimpses of the wisdom of the universe, even though they can’t explain why, what it means or what they should do with that information. The reason I’m talking about this now is not to spark a discussion about reincarnation (even though that topic fascinates me and I could talk about it endlessly) but because I find it so intriguing that so often we already have the answers locked up inside but need someone else to identify our own truth before we believe it ourselves.

This is me giving a reading today. #inthezone

This, of course, is one of the many lessons we’re here to learn – how to listen to our intuition and not let our logic-focused brains set us off track. Of course we need that logical side, but sometimes it's trying to steer us down the ‘safe’ path, which won’t help us when we're stuck. Our souls already know the answers, but Fear will always try and talk us out of it. Hopefully the people I met today will keep this in mind (and in heart) as they move forward. It was a timely reminder for me to do the same. 

Do one thing that scares you

Today I'm doing what every Pinterest board ever made urges me to do - something that scares me. I'm holding a market stall offering angel card readings. This is scary because I'm an introvert, so not entirely comfortable being so prominent. The solution to this is to focus on the people coming to me for readings, which is a good reminder that it's not all about me. I'm looking forward to being able to help people - which is, after all, what we're all here to do. I'll check in later and let you know how it goes.

Being single in a world that’s in love with romance

An awful day is approaching and my anxiety levels are rising just thinking about it. February 14. It’s a day you don’t really give a shit about when you’re in a healthy relationship, but when you’re single it feels like the entire planet is flipping the bird at you.

For me, the build-up is always the worst. The day itself is fine. And so is the next day. And the next day. That’s because I’m happy being single. Would I like to be in a relationship? Sure, I love the thrill of a new attraction, and all the wonderful getting-to-know-each-other stuff that follows – but only with the right guy (who will appear in my life when he's supposed to). But for some reason, the lead-up to Valentine’s Day makes me feel really really crappy about my single status.

Our society romanticises (pun intended) coupledom, and long-term relationships are seen as a measure of success. What if you’re not in a relationship – does that make you a failure? Sometimes I feel that way, even though I know it’s not true. I know a lot of people who’ve settled for mediocre or unsatisfying relationships, because they’re too scared or just unwilling to be on their own. I’m proud that I haven’t succumbed to that pressure.

From a spiritual perspective, there's no requirement to have 'another half' - we are all perfectly complete on our own. That said, we all have various soul contracts with various people who will accompany us from one lifetime into the next. That includes family members as well as significant others. Through my spiritual learnings I know that the most important relationship we all have is with ourselves, and that's the primary relationship we're here to develop.

So here's where I come unstuck: with the amount of hype around relationships on Valentine’s Day it’s easy to lose sight of this and feel like the world is participating in a party you didn’t get invited to. Because you weren’t good enough. Because no one liked you enough. All bollocks, I know. But, still.

This year Valentine’s Day will be really cool – it’s a Saturday, and I’m going on a picnic with a bunch of my single friends. We will eat, drink, laugh and celebrate the awesomeness of solid friendships. (I highly recommend this for any Saturday, not just Valentine’s Day.)

This Valentine’s Day, look for me in the park having a laugh with my friends. I’ll be the one shouting ‘Happy VD!’ to smug couples. And giggling inappropriately when they don’t get the joke.