There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help people – I’m sure we can agree this is an admirable trait – but some people go so far with this that it zaps their wellbeing, harms relationships and leaves them physically and mentally drained. Their actions go beyond kindness and into a state where they’re abandoning their own care and goals to try and save someone else. At this point, it no longer helps the person anyway – it actually prevents the other party from fixing their own messes and learning important life lessons by themselves (an essential part of growth). But the rescuer doesn’t always see that, because they’re so overinvested in fixing other people (related: you might like to read my article about codependency here). I call this ‘rescuer complex’.
This often shows up in romantic relationships. I’ve worked with many single women who unconsciously attract ‘projects’ in need of rehabilitation rather than emotionally healthy partnerships (which they will often find ‘too boring’). The woman either ends up feeling abandoned when the partner heals themself and moves on, or she ends up stuck in frustration because the partner refuses to change, continuing to (for example) drink heavily or be emotionally absent.
This article is a non-exhaustive list of some causes that I have observed giving rise to rescuer complex.
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