If you’re single and looking for your soulmate, Valentine’s Day can feel like the whole world is at a party you didn’t get invited to (ugh). It’s totally normal to want a healthy, long-term relationship, and yes, Valentine’s Day can bring that desire sharply into focus (um thanks, Hallmark). We often talk about ‘falling’ in love, but the truth is, a healthy relationship is not something that just *happens* without your input. True, you don’t have any control over when and how your soulmate will appear (hello, meet cute!) but there’s a lot you can do to break through the barriers that might be keeping you single – unless you’re happy to remain single, which is a totally legit choice.
In my work as an energy healer, I often help people move through the baggage and beliefs that are keeping romance at bay, and I’ve noticed some recurring themes. Here are eight factors you might need to address if you want to turn your dissatisfactory romantic form around. Some of them might not be easy to reckon with, but sometimes personal growth is uncomfortable (sorry about that). And if something led you to read this article, it’s likely there’s something in here you need to take on board.
Remember: everything is figure-out-able. I managed to attract my soulmate after an inordinately long time of flying solo, so there’s hope for you too.
1. You’re a hot mess (no judgment)
Have you ever been head-over-heels in love with someone who is sleeping in their car, living off cereal, is eight years behind in their taxes and unacquainted with the finer aspects of personal grooming? Didn’t think so. The way you run your life has a direct correlation with the type of partner you’re likely to draw into your life – hot messes attract hot messes. (Unless you’ve got some sort of saviour syndrome going on, in which case, refer to point 7.) When it comes to dating, don’t underestimate the value of getting your life together. If you want to attract a high calibre of partner, be a high calibre of human.
2. You’re looking for someone to complete you
No disrespect to the movie Jerry Maguire, but the moment when Tom Cruise uttered “you complete me” to Renee Zellweger is probably the worst example of #relationshipgoals in cinematic history. (Well, except for Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’Hara, but I digress.) If you are looking for someone to make you feel whole and valid, you’re setting yourself up to fail. Not only is this an inordinate amount of pressure to put on a potential partner, it means you’re likely to attract a narcissist type – because people who view themselves as inadequate are very vulnerable to self-absorbed sorts. The purpose of a soulmate relationship is to complement your life, not complete it. If you’re fixated on someone fixing you, I recommend working with a counsellor or energy healer to boost your own self-esteem before you go looking for a partner. You won’t miss out on your soulmate while you do this work on yourself – in fact, you’re actually speeding up the process of drawing them into your life when you *are* ready.
3. You’ve kind of given up
So, you think that being cynical about your chances of love will lessen the blow if romance continues to elude you. Maybe you even make jokes about how your bond with your air-conditioner is your most significant relationship to date. You probably think this protects you from getting hurt – because if you don’t aim high, you can’t miss, right? But cynicism is the crappiest insurance policy ever. Instead of protecting you, it helps you attract what you’re putting all your energy into – staying single. You can’t attract something you don’t believe will happen. Hold space for a better future, no matter how unlikely it might seem right now.
4. You’re already calling someone your ‘husband’ or ‘wife’
Words matter. Words carry energy that determines what you attract. If you are already throwing around the words ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ casually – maybe you’ve dubbed someone your ‘work husband’ or you call your BFF your ‘wifey’ – you’re signalling to the Universe that your emotional needs are already being met. Yes it’s a cute name, but be aware it does narrow your ability to attract a partner who will meet your emotional needs. Okay, this isn’t likely to be the *only* reason you’re single, but it sure isn’t helping.
To be clear, it’s wonderful to have close platonic bonds, just be mindful of the language you’re using around those relationships.
5. You’re going after the types you DON’T want
If your deepest desire is to attract your soulmate, but you’re investing your time and energy in sleeping with someone you don’t particularly care about, you’re out of alignment with your goals, friend. While there’s nothing wrong with enjoying casual sex, if your goal is to get into a deep lurve situation, you need to make sure your actions align with that goal, instead of working against them. Same deal if you’re in a ‘situation-ship’ or dating people who are just, you know, *okay*. The Universe can’t support you with your goal if even you aren’t supporting it. Hold space for the type of relationship you want, and work at being content in the space between. It’s tempting to hope a casual fling will turn into a relationship, or that you might be the gem who convinces this player to finally commit to someone (ie YOU), but this is highly unlikely (sorry).
6. You’re still mad at your ex
The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s apathy. If you are still holding toxic emotions such as anger, bitterness or even guilt towards your ex, you haven’t truly moved on. And as long as you’re still sending energy towards that dead relationship, your own energy field won’t support a new relationship. You’ll repel potential partners or you’ll attract someone as hung up on the past as you are (not ideal). It’s not until you’re feeling either nothing much or – in some cases, pure friendship – for your ex that you’ll know you’ve truly put the past behind you.
7. You have A Pattern
Here’s a valuable exercise for figuring out where things may not be going to plan romantically: what do all (or many of) your exes or crushes have in common? Maybe they were all controlling. Maybe they were all married or emotionally unavailable. Maybe they were all desperately in need of saving. That will tell you if you’ve got A Pattern. Think about why you’re attracted to that type of personality (maybe it reflects the type of relationship your parents modelled?), and how that reflects your relationship with yourself. A lot of the time, it’ll be about self-worth or some deep-seated fear in your subconscious, such as fear of rejection or abandonment. As a general rule, we sometimes take on ‘projects’ to distract us from the work we need to do on ourselves, and we sometimes invest in relationships that can’t go anywhere in order to keep ourselves from getting hurt. Deeply-entrenched patterns can be tackled with energy healing to rewire your subconscious from defaulting to those unhelpful beliefs and fears.
8. You’ve outstayed your welcome at your own pity party
Have you ever been on a date with someone who spent the whole time talking about the terrible break-up they went through? Not exactly attractive, right? Make sure your baggage hasn’t become part of your identity. If what happened in the past was really devastating or unfair, feeling victimised can seem justified. It can even seem like the magnitude of that event DEMANDS prolonged suffering – and almost like, if you move on, you’re making it okay. Trouble is, when the pity party goes on too long, that ‘poor me’ narrative starts to define you. Not only does it make potential partners run away faster than Homer Simpson runs away from work at 5pm, it’s keeping you stuck in an unhelpful narrative. This is a pattern best worked through in consultation with a psychologist or energy healer.
If you’d like to chat to me about an energy healing session to address blocks or issues in your love life, click here.