How to improve your love life (spoiler alert: it doesn't involve Facebook)
If a relationship happens in the forest and no one
witnesses it, does it really happen at all?
This is the question I’m asking myself after the
emergence of a bizarre Facebook trend this week called the Love Your Spouse
Challenge.
The idea is that people are ‘challenged’ to post
pictures of their partner every day for a week to ‘prove’ how much they love
them. Exactly why this is challenging or even necessary is not clear.
Big deal, you probably think – it’s only a bunch of
photos, and it sure beats having a newsfeed chock-full with political rants.
Plus, it’s not like oversharing on Facebook is a new phenomenon. I agree… and
yet I find this trend perplexing. The idea that so many people feel they need
to ‘prove’ the integrity of their relationships to anyone outside of that
relationship is a little concerning.
We’ve had the ‘relationship’ angel card come up
twice in the last week, so the Universe is putting a lot of emphasis on the
strength of our primary relationships right now. The angels have been
encouraging us to really show up for our partners. At no point, however, did
they mention ~posting~ about our partners.
If you feel like you need to prove your love for
your partner, that’s a fairly good indicator that you need to have a
conversation. With them, that is, not with your 378+ Facebook friends. Because people
who feel secure in their relationships generally don’t go looking for
validation from other people. They don’t need to.
Perhaps it’s just me who feels this way – after
all, I’m slightly allergic to highly personal Facebook posts. When my
boyfriend changed his Facebook status – and, consequently, mine also – to
‘in a relationship’, I felt quite uncomfortable, for reasons that had nothing
to do with our relationship and everything to do with what people thought about
it. I knew that this would invite public comment on something that is,
ultimately, private.
Sure enough, over an excruciating three-day period
we got a bit of attention. I squirmed in my seat as well-meaning people posted
excited comments. Someone even said ‘congratulations’ as if I had won a prize.
Perhaps escaping that perennially shameful institution known as singledom is
regarded as a prize of sorts (sigh).
I don’t mean to be dismissive – it’s lovely that
people wanted to share in our happiness, and many people knew that I had felt
ready for a relationship for some time. But the showy nature of Facebook made
me feel like I’d been forced to ride atop a float in some weird parade. Someone
told me they were pleased because I ‘deserved to be happy’. Well, yes, thank you, I do… but
so does everyone, surely. ‘I was happy before I met this guy, too!’ I
wanted to shout. No one cares. It feels like we idealise relationships so much that we don’t recognise single people as being truly happy and
complete. For obvious reasons, this is problematic.
I know that the people commenting on my status
change had only the best of intentions, and certainly weren’t making social
commentary. But it felt like some remarks reflected an underlying, widespread
belief that a relationship is the only measure of someone’s success in the
world, and that a woman without a man is lacking in a major way. I suspect this
is what fuels the idea that a relationship flaunted on social media is a
healthy one.
But I digress.
From a spiritual perspective, your romantic
relationship is a direct reflection of your relationship with yourself. When
you’re feeling insecure or doubtful of your own worth, that will show up in the
way you show up for your partner. You cannot have a healthy relationship with
someone if you don’t believe you truly deserve love. Part of our soul’s journey
in this lifetime is to grow to appreciate our own intrinsic worth and immense
power, so we can shine our brightest. Yet we are socially conditioned to
believe that our worth derives from earning the love of another. So we saddle
that person with the burden of fulfilling us and giving our lives meaning, not
realising that this task belongs to us alone.
Self-love is an inside job. You cannot outsource
it. The bad news: it’s really hard to love yourself in a world that
tells you you’re not good enough (alone or otherwise). The good news: it’s
entirely possible to do so – which is why the Universe will keep gently nudging
you in this direction. And the better you get at valuing yourself, the
better your romantic relationship will become. Or if you’re single, the better quality of partner you’ll attract. I did not meet a lovely man then
became a contented, confident person who leads from the heart – it
was the other way around. I became a contented, confident person then attracted
a lovely man.
Is there a Facebook trend for that? I think there should be. #relationshipgoals
We're facing more choices than ever in history... yet most of us can't make decisions
Remember The
Sunscreen Song, which came out with the Romeo and Juliet movie
in the late 1990s? When it comes to snappy truth bombs, this song is an
absolute goldmine (it’s basically Pinterest in music). These lines are among
the most memorable, for me: “Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate
yourself either. Your choices are half chance – so are everybody else’s.”
Personally, I don’t believe in ‘chance’. But I love
this lyric because it reminds me not to put too much pressure on myself when it
comes to making choices – because I don’t have absolute power to determine the
outcome. Since that song came out and I’ve gained a greater understanding that
anything I create in my life is a partnership between myself and the Universe,
I now realise that I can’t possibly make a bad choice. #relief
One of the main factors that drives people to book
an angel card reading with me is they’re facing a tough decision. Their
circumstances can be vastly different – a job opportunity that requires them to
move cities, a relationship that is no longer satisfying, perhaps – but the
common thread is fear of failure. They know deep down what is right for them,
but they’re scared to commit to that course of action in case they’re ‘wrong’.
I read a UK magazine article recently which
suggested that people in the west are facing more decisions
than ever before in history, and as a result, our anxiety over
making any selection has increased. Previous generations – particularly women –
did not have as many options available to them as far as jobs, relationships
and lifestyle. We can now have anything and do anything we want – yay! That’s
undoubtedly a good thing, and I’m not for a minute advocating our choices
should be curbed, but if you’ve ever found yourself stressed out over a
four-page pizza menu, unable to make a selection, you’ll know that too many
choices can be overwhelming.
“From research we know that people with no choice
are significantly more resilient because they can blame life or other people
when they make a wrong decision,” psychologist Pieter Kruger says in the
article. “But if you make a wrong decision having had a range of choice, you
have no one to blame but yourself. We become much more obsessive because we
want to make the right decision every time.”
US psychologist Barry Schwarz, author of The
Paradox Of Choice, agrees. In an article with The Guardian he
described how there are so many varieties of jeans available now – stone-washed,
straight-leg, boot-fit, distressed, zip fly, button fly, slightly distressed,
very distressed, knee-holed, thigh-holed, knee and thigh-holed – that his
expectations of finding the perfect pair for him are high… and inevitably, he
winds up disappointed.
Adding to our decision-making anxiety is social
media, which has somehow become our yardstick of success. We’re being
constantly slammed with pictures of people appearing to nail their life choices
– cosy relationships, chic wardrobe picks, glamorous travel itineraries and
high-achieving kids. Even though we may be vaguely aware that what we’re
looking at is contrived and edited, rather than an accurate summary of other
people’s lives, we can still wind up feeling like everyone else is doing life
*right*. The allure of achieving something equally fabulous can be strong.
If you feel crippled by decision making, it might
be worth asking yourself if you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to
achieve a dream result. The resulting state of stress means you’ll struggle to
hear guidance from your intuition (which is your best asset when it comes to
making decisions).
From a spiritual perspective, it is not possible to
make a bad decision, because every course of action you
take will teach you something valuable you need to know for your soul’s
journey. Even if the situation doesn’t work out the way you’d hoped, you will
always be better for it. Plus, the Universe has a way of course-correcting you
if you go way off track.
When I finished my journalism degree, I struggled
to find employment. After three months I applied for, and got, a role on a
business newspaper – which, for someone with zero interest in financial
journalism, was not an appealing option. A year later, that publishing company
went into receivership, owing me more than $2200 in unpaid wages and holiday
pay*. This was not, obviously, an optimum result for me. But that does not mean
it was a bad decision. I got the valuable experience I needed, which, as a new
graduate in a flooded job-seeker market, I was struggling to get. I learned
professional skills that set me up for my career path. Plus, I made a friend I
instantly bonded with – and 15 years later, we remain close. I lost money, and
I ended up unemployed again for several months… but if given the chance to go
back, I would make the same decision again.
The truth is, the Universe will always make
sure you end up in the right place, and among the right people, for your
highest good. You may not have Oprah Winfrey’s wealth, Lena Dunham’s body
of work or Salma Hayek’s boobs, and probably you never will, but you do have a
pure heart, a resilient spirit, treasured memories, wonderful people in your
life and the knowledge that the best is yet to come.
This I know to be true: you are exactly
where you are supposed to be. I imagine that some people will find that
depressing – probably because they believe that they have total control over
their lives, or they had expectations of something more glamorous – but I
personally find it enormously comforting. It means I’m being looked after by
the Universe, and it also means that while I have the power to create anything
I want, my choices won’t have the monumentally dire consequences I might have
imagined.
The only bad decision we can possibly make is to let
fear paralyse us to the extent that we make no decision at all.
Instead of procrastination, let’s choose courage
and action.
*I got back about $345 of this around a year later, after
the liquidators had settled the company’s affairs. Sad face.
Help – I’ve forgotten how to relax!
There’s an old saying that doing nothing is never so satisfying
as when there’s something else you’re supposed to be doing. These summer
holidays I’ve found that to be true.
The idea of relaxing in the sun, chowing down on
berries, doing crosswords and napping every afternoon seemed so appealing to me
last December, as I scrambled to get my work projects completed on deadline and
board that plane. My body told me in no uncertain terms that it really really
really needed rest. How delicious! Except...
After Christmas, with the presents unwrapped and the family
obligations wrapped, I found myself unable to switch off. I couldn’t prize my
phone from my hands. I spent hours every day on my personal Instagram account,
which I usually check only once a week (side note: did you know that Instagram
emails you ‘what you missed’ messages if you go more than a week without
checking it – needy much?!). I turned on TV, knowing there was nothing on. I
kept checking my work emails.
My new books remained barely touched. I took so long
cracking into crosswords that my sister jumped in and finished them for me. I
took no naps.
I am so used to being connected and juggling multiple
tasks that I do not know how to do nothing. When you’re self-employed, work
never fits within a neat nine-to-five, Monday-to-Friday framework – messages
that need responses can come in at any hour. But really, that’s just an excuse
I make to justify my reliance on my phone. The reality is, there is no need for
me to know what everyone else is doing and saying at any given moment. I am on
holiday and the best use of my time right now is doing nothing, to recharge my
batteries and allow my body to rest. That involves disconnecting from the outside
world and being fully present where I am right now. This is something I’ve had
to retrain myself to do.
I have started put my phone on the bench, instead of
next to me, and only checking it when I get an SMS. I have got stuck into my
novel. I even went for a walk outside. I have got my daily meditation practice,
which had fallen by the wayside sometime around November, back on track. It has
felt weird to do nothing, but it also felt… right.
I’ve got a lot of arse to kick in 2016. But for now, I
need to rest.
It’s just a case of reminding myself how to do that…
I had a dream. This is what it taught me
Recently I had a dream so potent that it has stayed with me for more
than a week.
I was walking with some people I used to know, who are very
sophisticated and elegant. We were heading towards one person’s
home, then they fell into a conversation I didn’t understand, and started to
gain pace. Suddenly it was like my legs had a rubber band around them, just
above the knees. My legs would only take small steps forward, and I couldn’t
separate them enough to lengthen my stride and catch up with the others. I was
shouting at them to wait for me but they were too engrossed in their
conversation to notice me.
Soon they progressed so far ahead I lost sight of them,
and I didn’t know where I was going. I became hopelessly lost, and got
stuck, briefly, trying to climb over a seawall. Eventually they
realised that I didn’t know where I was going and came looking for me. I
was quite distressed abut the fact that my legs had failed me and that I hadn’t
been able to stay with them. “I just couldn’t keep up with you,” I
said to them sadly.
I just couldn’t keep up with you.
This is the line that has been bouncing around my head ever since that
dream. I wrote it down in my dream diary when I woke up, but I didn’t really
need to – the meaning is so obvious. When I tried to follow other people’s
path, I lost my way.
Wanting to keep up with other people – specifically, people I perceive
to be cooler, hotter, more successful – is an old pattern of mine. It’s that
whole ‘fitting in’ strategy we adopt in our teenage years and often results in
us overspending on material goods in adulthood (keeping up with the Joneses, in
other words). It can also result in us painting the picture of a perfect life
on social media – and Brisbane model Essena O’Neill, 18, certainly did a brave
thing this week by admitting her Instagram shots were faked in order to cast
herself as someone to envy and admire.
For me, the urge to keep up with other people is problematic for several
reasons. The first is that it’s based on comparisons. It involves me
assessing other people, concluding that they are superior to me for whatever
reason, and putting them on a pedestal. This is unwise, given I have no idea
what is actually going on in people’s lives beyond the surface. Are they good
people? Who knows! Are they happy? They probably have the same problems as
everyone else. Are they better than me? Well, no, actually – since life is not,
whatever Nike would like us to believe, a competition. I love this line in the
90s hit Sunscreen Song: "The race is long, and in the end, it’s
only with yourself."
There’s another problem here. Worrying about what other people have,
look like and appear to be doing takes my focus away from where it needs
to be: on my own growth and development.
This dream has been a wake-up call (literally!) that I need to
address the way I compare myself to others, and also the way that I measure my
own value. This is not a new lesson; I’ve referenced my struggles with
comparison and self-worth in many previous posts. But just like those
angel cards that keep recurring in the daily readings I do for you guys, these
messages will keep coming up until I can truly take them on board and move on.
The Universe will not stop throwing these messages at me until I learn the
lesson.
I can’t keep up with other people, and I don’t need to. I am
enough.
Does social media make us narcissists? No, but it can reveal a lot about how we view ourselves
When it comes to
narcissism, there is perhaps no more endearing example in the world than Kanye
West. Pop culture’s king of self-aggrandisement once declared that he wished
to describe his profession as ‘creative genius’ on immigration arrival forms –
but he didn’t know how to spell the word ‘genius’ (lol).
Narcissism is
something I’ve been thinking about lately because I’ve seen a few columns
fretting that our obsession with selfies and documenting the minutiae of our
lives online is creating a generation of narcissists. I don’t agree.
Firstly, a definition
– because narcissism is not, despite popular belief, the same as arrogance or
just plain bad behaviour. During a discussion at the recent Sydney Writer’s
Festival, social commentator Anne Manne (author of Life of I: The New
Culture of Narcissism) offered these defining characteristics (among
others): having a sense of superiority; a sense of entitlement; a feeling that
you’re entitled to exploit others; and a desperate desire to gain attention to
prove you are really significant – which is where social media use really comes
under the microscope.
Brene Brown, leading researcher
in the field of vulnerability, describes narcissism as “a shame-based fear of
being ordinary”. At its core, she writes, narcissism is driven by a fear of not
being enough.
I’m not sure what
this says about the industry I’m in, but I’ve worked with more than a few
people who fit into the narcissism category. And I’ve certainly seen people – from
differing age groups – use social media as a platform for relentless
self-promotion, which can be uncomfortable for me to observe. But even though many
commentators have identified a correlation between social media and narcissism,
I don’t think that means social media *breeds* narcissism, as such.
My opinion is that although
there’s a good argument for all of us pulling back on our social media use and
engaging more in face-to-face interactions, wanting to showcase your life
online isn’t necessarily unhealthy. That said, if you feel like you are reliant
on multiple ‘likes’ to feel valued – and feel like you don’t matter if you don’t
achieve that – you could probably do with asking yourself some reflective
questions. The way you use social media might be a symptom, rather than a
cause, of a disconnect between what you think you have to offer the world and the
unquantifiable, exquisite value you bring to the world every day simply by
virtue of being yourself.
By the way, going
back to the narcissism thing (in case you needed some reassurance)... if you’re
worried you’re a narcissist, you’re not. Because if you were a narcissist you wouldn’t
have enough self-awareness to even consider yourself one. (Good to know.)
I’m not really sure
where this leaves Kanye, but I love his music, regardless.
* Read my blog post on comparison syndrome in relation to social media here.