What are you waiting for? The ugly truth about why women won't propose to their boyfriends

Brace yourselves – an onslaught of cringey ‘I proposed to my boyfriend’ media stories is imminent.

Yep, it’s a Leap Year. And February 29th, as everyone knows, is the only time women are allowed to play a powerful role in determining the future of their relationships. *eyeroll*

Well, I think it’s about time this ridiculously outdated custom went the way of fax machines and scrunchies (i.e. filed under ‘embarrassing’ in the history books).

Look, I know not everyone is a fan of marriage. Personally, I have no strong feelings either way. If ritual and a legally binding contract are important to you, that’s terrific. If you don’t feel a wedding is integral to the integrity and longevity of your relationship, that’s great too. What I do have strong feelings about, however, is the way that a marriage certificate is held up as a badge of honour and a measure of success for women. And that’s what’s really going on underneath this whole ‘waiting to be proposed to’ caper, I suspect.

When a woman gets engaged, we rush in with comments like: ‘finally!’, ‘took him long enough!’ and ‘he put a ring on it!’ We never ask the woman whether it was her idea, or why she felt it was time to tie the knot (because she jumped at the chance to get married, obviously… that’s what every girl dreams of, right?!). Equally, we never congratulate a man for his ‘patience’ or applaud him for ‘wearing his partner down’.

And for those women who do take the opportunity to propose, on February 29 or any other day, it’s treated as an oddity – something that warrants a newspaper or magazine story in which the woman justifies her (somewhat pushy) behaviour, and the man is gently asked how he felt about it (because, you know, emasculation).

Oh, I know what you’re thinking – it’s TRADITION for the man to do the proposing. But if a tradition harks back to a time when women had no power to determine their own futures, and when their security (financial, social and physical) was dependent on being awarded a wedding ring, is it really worth striving to uphold?

As recently as 2012, an (admittedly limited) study from the University of California Santa Cruz of 277 men and women found that 0 per cent of respondents wanted the woman in their relationship to do the proposing. Let me repeat that for emphasis… ZERO per cent! Yikes.

A while back a wise friend of mine made the clever observation that the most likely reason many women are eager to have their man get down on bended knee is because we want to be CHOSEN. We want to be able to declare that we’ve been selected by someone and deemed worthy of shared cohabitation forevermore. In short, in the year 2016 many of us still feel we need a glittery ring to affirm our value. This really bothers me.

It bothers me in the first instance because the notion that it’s a man’s job to propose is sexist, and that’s a gender inequality being perpetuated by both men AND women. Furthermore, as someone committed to helping people discover and develop their self-worth, I feel uncomfortable about this because it implies that there are a lot of women who still believe their value in this world is determined by their ability to attract and maintain a long-term relationship. On top of that, it bothers me because it would suggest many women believe gaining someone else’s approval is the only legitimate way for them to feel like they matter – which is waaaaay too much pressure to put on your partner, BTW. Let me make this very clear: if you treat someone as your anchor, they will drown.

And, finally, it also bothers me because it means many women see themselves as lacking power when it comes to the future of their primary relationships. ICYMI: you are the only one in charge of your future. If you can’t ask the person nearest and dearest to you for what you want, how can you expect to create a life you can be proud of? There will always be times in a partnership when one person’s needs will come before the other’s, but that will fluctuate. A healthy relationship is a mutual distribution of power. If you don’t feel like you have a say in the very big question of if and when you will become Mr and Mrs, perhaps you need to ask yourself some other big questions about your relationship’s future. 

Your weekly oracle card reading for February 8-12, 2016

If you follow me on social media, you’ll already know I draw an oracle card every day and explain its meaning. Plot twist… I’ve decided to mix it up a little by drawing the cards for the entire week, so you can get a heads up on what patterns will emerge over the next five days (I’ll do the weekends separately).

I’ll still post each day’s card on Facebook and Instagram so you can have it broken down that way if that’s more your jam.

As you will have gathered, this is the first time I’ve done a video, so be gentle with me!

I love getting great feedback, but struggle to accept it (this struggle IS real)

One of the really great things about having a spiritual business is that you receive wonderful feedback from people. One of the challenging things about having a spiritual business is that you receive wonderful feedback from people.

Yep, you read that right.

As much as I love hearing from people whose lives have been fundamentally altered by a card reading, who’ve felt uplifted after reading a blog post I’ve penned, or who’ve been moved by an Oracle Card Of The Day, sometimes that feedback makes me feel uncomfortable.

I’ve been asking myself some probing questions about why I have such an uneasy response to what is, for all intents and purposes, a thing to celebrate. Why it is that I sometimes have to put the phone down and take several deep, slow breaths before I respond thanking that person. Why I might change the subject when a client thanks me for the healing session I’ve given them. It’s because, when I’m communicating with spirit then relaying those messages or transferring that energy to others, I am making myself very vulnerable. Equally, when I share my deepest thoughts and emotions on this blog. And when people respond to that vulnerability, it amplifies how exposed I feel. And that can be terrifying.

I want to make it clear that I do really love your feedback – it’s incredibly helpful for me to be shown how the positive energy I’m giving out is being received (and then returned to me in spades). But I still feel uncomfortable when it comes to receiving such feedback.  

Recently I read a fascinating article on Psychology Today (yes, I’m a nerd… but I doubt that’s a surprise to you) about the fear of acceptance. I’m familiar with the fear of rejection, but the idea of someone avoiding acceptance was new to me. Except that it wasn’t that new to me, actually, because it’s something I’ve been acting out throughout my life in many ways – I just didn’t know there was a name for it.

This is the statement in the article that resonated most with me: “When you are with someone whose demeanour, smile or kind words suggest that they respect, like or accept you, how do you feel inside? Do you notice some inner squirming or discomfort?” Yes I do. Lots of it.

Here’s what fear of acceptance means: in a bid to protect ourselves from being rejected, we take measures (both consciously and unconsciously) to avoid being accepted. We sabotage friendships and relationships. We stay on the outer fringes of social circles and events, to avoid being noticed. We get hung up on what people might think of us instead of focusing on how we feel in their company. Basically, we like to hide.

But having a spiritual business means I don’t get to hide. I have to show up wholeheartedly. I have to be vulnerable and human.I have to be ALL IN.  I cannot keep people at a distance. I cannot play safe. I cannot mirror the attitudes or behaviours of other people – I have to honour my own truth. I can no longer run away from connection.

Coming up against internal resistance is usually a pretty good sign that there’s something underlying I need to address. It’s an opportunity for growth. So following the article’s advice, this is my new strategy. When I receive a heart-felt compliment or a comment on something I’ve done that has made an impact on someone, I’m going to lean into the discomfort. I’m not going to brush it off. I will not attempt to transform into a person who loves getting attention and who embraces compliments like a boss – because that is not how I’m wired. Instead, it’s about accepting that this makes me uncomfortable, and being OK with that. Choosing to lean in anyway. And realising – eventually – that I’m completely safe to do that.

RELATED LINKS: With compliments. Just own it, darling

Are we having fun yet? If not, why not?

There is always so much to do. My OMG SO EFFING URGENT list keeps getting longer. I can barely stop to celebrate what I tick off, because there is always so much more to do. I feel like I’m treading water, exhausting myself without gaining any mileage. I am flailing in my day job, pushing hard for my fledgling side business. Little losses, tiny triumphs. Time with friends, phone calls to family fall to the bottom of my priority list. I feel like I am failing everyone, including myself. I am always tired, and there’s always so much more to do.

I have a feeling many of you are nodding in recognition as you read this.

Since starting my business and this blog more than a year ago, I feel like I’m on a treadmill. I wrote recently about how hard it was to stop and relax during my summer break – and I’m facing a similar struggle. 

At the start of 2016 I had a friend do an angel reading for me, and one of the messages that came through was my need to have more fun and be more social. I rolled my eyes. Who has time for fun, for God’s sake?! There’s always so much to do. But because the angels are always right, I took the advice on board and implemented a fun project – a once-a-month commitment to do one fun activity I’ve never done before or go to a new place. I tried this last year then abandoned it after a few months because it didn’t seem like a priority. Yes, I know how lame that sounds. I mean, I was SCHEDULING fun – then failing to meet that commitment. I know that fun and play do not happen spontaneously for me. If I do not create time for fun, my weekends and evenings will continue to be swallowed up by work and life admin. Because, as mentioned, there is always so much to do.

Last Tuesday was Australia Day – a public holiday. I planned to spend the day generating story ideas and blog posts, maybe sorting out my tax records to get on top of my present state of chaos. (Whoa, how exciting am I?! No wonder men are lining up to date me!) But I woke up and I knew I had to get out of the house, and out of my routine. I knew I needed fresh air and a change of scene to get my creative juices flowing. So, I gave myself the day off. 

It felt weird.

I went on a 10km walk along a beautiful stretch of coastline, weaving in and out of national parks and dipping into golden beaches. I remembered how lucky I am to live in The Lucky Country. I climbed cliffs and took in scenery that took my breath away. I reflected on how much is right in my life, and how far I’ve come. I did not, and would not, let myself feel guilty about all the tasks that were still on my stupid list. Then I went to a friend’s pool party and caught up with some of my favourite people. I went to sleep feeling rejuvenated and passionate about who I am, where I am and what I am doing. The angels were right, as per.

So, I have a very important question for you: are you having enough fun? 

Fun is not a luxury. It is not a treat or something you have to earn. It is as important to your life as exercise, good food, fresh air and good people. As the saying goes: nobody gets to the end of their life and wishes they’d spent more time in the boardroom. I know your deadlines and projects seem uber important right now, but you won’t remember them in 10 years’ time. You will remember the laughter, the sunshine and the feels. These are the ingredients of your life. Are you using them to create something that’s a worthy tribute to your own awesomnity? If not, why not? 

I’m saying this to you, but of course, I’m really saying it to myself. 

Money, money, money. How faith helps pay the bills (kinda)

Dire Straits got it for nothing, Sam Smith had it on his mind and Destiny’s Child used it to pay their automo’ bills. It’s money, and it – well, lack of it, to be precise – has brought my life to a screeching halt in recent weeks.

In a spiritual sense, money is regarded as an energy, rather than an entity in itself. In other words, it’s a means to an end, not an end point. It flows when we are in flow. So because it’s not flowing for me right now, I’ve had to ask myself how I might be contributing to that.

When you don’t know when you’ll get paid, or when your next job will appear, you are existing in a state of faith. Which is similar to a state of grace, I guess, but far less serene – more sweary, more weepy. You are relying on the Universe to supply you with what you need, when you need it. You are fumbling around in dark rooms, clawing under beds to find the proof that everything will be OK. There is no proof, there is only faith. In the past month, that faith has been tested to the max.

Having been self-employed for six years, I’m used to my income fluctuating, and this is always a slow time of year for work. However circumstances have conspired to put me in a rather precarious situation that’s left me very unstable – particularly since I don’t know how long this rough patch will last.

At the height of this crisis, I had a teary, hiccup-y convo with Archangel Michael, pleading for financial assistance. The message I got back was: “Trust me.” (Which is the case for almost every problem I present to the angels, actually.) On the way to the gym the next morning, I found a $2 coin on the pavement. This is not a great deal of money, obviously, but its discovery was symbolic rather than practical. It was a sign that I was going to be taken care of. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders, and gave the coin to a homeless man outside the train station as I knew I did not need it.

A few days later I went to the Rozelle Markets and did a market stall, something in which I typically make a loss, but which is valuable to me as a means of introducing people in the community to my services. The market management runs a lucky draw where stallholders can win back the cost of their stall. I got a very clear message from the angels that I would win. I am not, historically, very lucky at such things so I was sceptical. Well, I won. And abundance has continued to flow my way ever since, with more work opportunities opening up to me. Which is largely to do with me being able to hold onto faith (in a very ungraceful manner).

When we ask for money, we need to be open to how it will appear. We tend to think of financial support only in terms of our salary, but the Universe regards ‘abundance’ in a larger sense. You might win a free holiday. You might receive a tax refund you didn’t expect. You might be given a petrol card by your boss. Our requests for more money will always be answered, but the answer might not turn up the way we expect.

The best thing we can do in these situations is to keep focusing on the knowledge that the Universe will always provide for us, rather than focusing on what we are lacking – that’s what creates an energetic block that makes it harder for us to receive what we need. This is a bit shit, if you think about it – basically, when we’re on our knees, completely deplete of faith, we need it more than ever before. We are asked to have the belief that what’s in front of us right now will not be our future.

Still, when you think about it, faith is all we have. Learning to hold onto that is one of the best tools we have for navigating adversity. As they say, you can’t change the direction of the wind but you can adjust your sails.

Maybe I should offer my landlord faith in lieu of rent money. I’ll let you know how that works out for me.