How to improve your love life (spoiler alert: it doesn't involve Facebook)

If a relationship happens in the forest and no one witnesses it, does it really happen at all?

This is the question I’m asking myself after the emergence of a bizarre Facebook trend this week called the Love Your Spouse Challenge.

The idea is that people are ‘challenged’ to post pictures of their partner every day for a week to ‘prove’ how much they love them. Exactly why this is challenging or even necessary is not clear.

Big deal, you probably think – it’s only a bunch of photos, and it sure beats having a newsfeed chock-full with political rants. Plus, it’s not like oversharing on Facebook is a new phenomenon. I agree… and yet I find this trend perplexing. The idea that so many people feel they need to ‘prove’ the integrity of their relationships to anyone outside of that relationship is a little concerning.

We’ve had the ‘relationship’ angel card come up twice in the last week, so the Universe is putting a lot of emphasis on the strength of our primary relationships right now. The angels have been encouraging us to really show up for our partners. At no point, however, did they mention ~posting~ about our partners.

If you feel like you need to prove your love for your partner, that’s a fairly good indicator that you need to have a conversation. With them, that is, not with your 378+ Facebook friends. Because people who feel secure in their relationships generally don’t go looking for validation from other people. They don’t need to.

Perhaps it’s just me who feels this way – after all, I’m slightly allergic to highly personal Facebook posts. When my boyfriend changed his Facebook status – and, consequently, mine also – to ‘in a relationship’, I felt quite uncomfortable, for reasons that had nothing to do with our relationship and everything to do with what people thought about it. I knew that this would invite public comment on something that is, ultimately, private.

Sure enough, over an excruciating three-day period we got a bit of attention. I squirmed in my seat as well-meaning people posted excited comments. Someone even said ‘congratulations’ as if I had won a prize. Perhaps escaping that perennially shameful institution known as singledom is regarded as a prize of sorts (sigh). 

I don’t mean to be dismissive – it’s lovely that people wanted to share in our happiness, and many people knew that I had felt ready for a relationship for some time. But the showy nature of Facebook made me feel like I’d been forced to ride atop a float in some weird parade. Someone told me they were pleased because I ‘deserved to be happy’. Well, yes, thank you, I do… but so does everyone, surely. ‘I was happy before I met this guy, too!’ I wanted to shout. No one cares. It feels like we idealise relationships so much that we don’t recognise single people as being truly happy and complete. For obvious reasons, this is problematic. 

I know that the people commenting on my status change had only the best of intentions, and certainly weren’t making social commentary. But it felt like some remarks reflected an underlying, widespread belief that a relationship is the only measure of someone’s success in the world, and that a woman without a man is lacking in a major way. I suspect this is what fuels the idea that a relationship flaunted on social media is a healthy one.

But I digress.

From a spiritual perspective, your romantic relationship is a direct reflection of your relationship with yourself. When you’re feeling insecure or doubtful of your own worth, that will show up in the way you show up for your partner. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone if you don’t believe you truly deserve love. Part of our soul’s journey in this lifetime is to grow to appreciate our own intrinsic worth and immense power, so we can shine our brightest. Yet we are socially conditioned to believe that our worth derives from earning the love of another. So we saddle that person with the burden of fulfilling us and giving our lives meaning, not realising that this task belongs to us alone.

Self-love is an inside job. You cannot outsource it. The bad news: it’s really hard to love yourself in a world that tells you you’re not good enough (alone or otherwise). The good news: it’s entirely possible to do so – which is why the Universe will keep gently nudging you in this direction. And the better you get at valuing yourself, the better your romantic relationship will become. Or if you’re single, the better quality of partner you’ll attract. I did not meet a lovely man then became a contented, confident person who leads from the heart – it was the other way around. I became a contented, confident person then attracted a lovely man.

Is there a Facebook trend for that? I think there should be. #relationshipgoals

The great pretender: imposter syndrome, and the fear of being found out

I used to have a friend who held a prestigious, high-powered job in magazines. She was great at it, too – but she didn’t think so. She once confided to me that she lived in terror that someday someone would tap her on the shoulder and ask her to leave, telling her they’d figured out she wasn’t up to the job after all.

This is what imposter syndrome looks like. At heart, it’s the belief that you’re not good enough, and it typically involves a deep fear that your inadequacy will be uncovered, probably in dramatic fashion. It’s typically experienced by more women than men, because we are, according to experts, more likely to recognise our faults (I’ll just park that statement without further comment).

Imposter syndrome has got naught to do with your actual performance or skills, it’s solely about an internal conflict, a deep suspicion that you’ve somehow hoodwinked everyone into letting you have this job or partnership, and they’re going to find out the truth about you very soon and your entire life will implode.

Whenever we’re dealing with a fear – particularly one like this, which has no logical foundation – the first most helpful thing we can do is remind ourselves we’re not alone. Fear is a projection of the ego, not the soul, and the ego is all about separating us from others. And you’re not alone, truly. More than 70 per cent of people have experienced feelings of fraudulence. That’s *feelings* of fraudulence, not actual fraudulence.

Imposter syndrome thrives on blissful ignorance of the facts. It ignores that your employer put you in this position because they think you’re good enough. It ignores that you’ve already turned in work of a high, or at least passable, standard. Reality check: even if you don’t feel like you know what you’re doing (which is probably not true), you know enough to be in the position you’re in, and there’s no reason you can’t learn more from that platform. You are already good, but it’s your willingness to keep going in the face of fear and all its stupid stories that makes you great.

The truth is, no one knows what the hell they’re doing, most of the time. Fake it ‘till you make it is an entirely reasonable work philosophy. In this life, we’re all making it up as we go along – anyone who is a parent can vouch for this. Expecting ourselves to be ace at everything is just another way we covertly bully ourselves. So, so unhelpful.

If a fear that your staff don’t rate you as a manager is a source of anxiety for you, try to remember that what other people think of you is none of your business. I know, I know… you *want* them to feel confident in your abilities so they do their best work, but ultimately that’s up to them, not you. The only thing within your control is, not the way others feel about you, but the way you feel about yourself. And if imposter syndrome is an issue for you, perhaps you need to do some work on bolstering that (don’t we all!).

Although I haven’t experienced imposter syndrome myself, I’m very familiar with the feeling of inadequacy. My feelings of unworthiness in any given situation generally stem from my tendency to compare myself to others, and as a result, finding myself lacking. Like this: ‘She’s so outgoing and funny and popular, and I’m so dull and awkward.’ In all honesty I don’t know whether there will ever be a point at which I will ever totally recognise my own worth – I doubt we as humans can ever fully understand our own power in this lifetime – so instead of focusing on what it is I perceive that I’m lacking, I try to look at what I do have. Not in a ‘well she may be pretty but I’m this and that…’ type of way, more just a general counting of my blessings without using anyone else as a reference point. This strategy has been working really well for me. In spiritual truth, none of us really lacks anything – we are all complete. Different, but wholly everything that we need to be.

What I’ve found helpful when it comes to getting on top of my comparison tendency has been turning it on its head by comparing myself with… myself. Looking back at the person I was six months, a year or two years ago, and taking a moment to appreciate how my emotional responses and behaviours have changed and matured gives me a sense of value. I don’t need to be the best, I just need to be better than I was. And I am, every day. And I know that you are too. (Better than yourself, I mean. Not better than me, obvs. Although you could be. Hey, let’s not compete, OK?)

What are you waiting for? The ugly truth about why women won't propose to their boyfriends

Brace yourselves – an onslaught of cringey ‘I proposed to my boyfriend’ media stories is imminent.

Yep, it’s a Leap Year. And February 29th, as everyone knows, is the only time women are allowed to play a powerful role in determining the future of their relationships. *eyeroll*

Well, I think it’s about time this ridiculously outdated custom went the way of fax machines and scrunchies (i.e. filed under ‘embarrassing’ in the history books).

Look, I know not everyone is a fan of marriage. Personally, I have no strong feelings either way. If ritual and a legally binding contract are important to you, that’s terrific. If you don’t feel a wedding is integral to the integrity and longevity of your relationship, that’s great too. What I do have strong feelings about, however, is the way that a marriage certificate is held up as a badge of honour and a measure of success for women. And that’s what’s really going on underneath this whole ‘waiting to be proposed to’ caper, I suspect.

When a woman gets engaged, we rush in with comments like: ‘finally!’, ‘took him long enough!’ and ‘he put a ring on it!’ We never ask the woman whether it was her idea, or why she felt it was time to tie the knot (because she jumped at the chance to get married, obviously… that’s what every girl dreams of, right?!). Equally, we never congratulate a man for his ‘patience’ or applaud him for ‘wearing his partner down’.

And for those women who do take the opportunity to propose, on February 29 or any other day, it’s treated as an oddity – something that warrants a newspaper or magazine story in which the woman justifies her (somewhat pushy) behaviour, and the man is gently asked how he felt about it (because, you know, emasculation).

Oh, I know what you’re thinking – it’s TRADITION for the man to do the proposing. But if a tradition harks back to a time when women had no power to determine their own futures, and when their security (financial, social and physical) was dependent on being awarded a wedding ring, is it really worth striving to uphold?

As recently as 2012, an (admittedly limited) study from the University of California Santa Cruz of 277 men and women found that 0 per cent of respondents wanted the woman in their relationship to do the proposing. Let me repeat that for emphasis… ZERO per cent! Yikes.

A while back a wise friend of mine made the clever observation that the most likely reason many women are eager to have their man get down on bended knee is because we want to be CHOSEN. We want to be able to declare that we’ve been selected by someone and deemed worthy of shared cohabitation forevermore. In short, in the year 2016 many of us still feel we need a glittery ring to affirm our value. This really bothers me.

It bothers me in the first instance because the notion that it’s a man’s job to propose is sexist, and that’s a gender inequality being perpetuated by both men AND women. Furthermore, as someone committed to helping people discover and develop their self-worth, I feel uncomfortable about this because it implies that there are a lot of women who still believe their value in this world is determined by their ability to attract and maintain a long-term relationship. On top of that, it bothers me because it would suggest many women believe gaining someone else’s approval is the only legitimate way for them to feel like they matter – which is waaaaay too much pressure to put on your partner, BTW. Let me make this very clear: if you treat someone as your anchor, they will drown.

And, finally, it also bothers me because it means many women see themselves as lacking power when it comes to the future of their primary relationships. ICYMI: you are the only one in charge of your future. If you can’t ask the person nearest and dearest to you for what you want, how can you expect to create a life you can be proud of? There will always be times in a partnership when one person’s needs will come before the other’s, but that will fluctuate. A healthy relationship is a mutual distribution of power. If you don’t feel like you have a say in the very big question of if and when you will become Mr and Mrs, perhaps you need to ask yourself some other big questions about your relationship’s future. 

My reflections on a year of angel card readings: the six things we all need to know

OK, so it hasn’t been a full year of angel card readings. I dipped my toe into this slowly, and I only launched professionally in July. But I did start the Oracle Card Of The Day, which I do on social media every day (obvs), in 2014, so that’s good enough for me to call it a year.

Talking to people’s angels and delivering guidance that helps them heal and transform is an enormous privilege. What I’ve learned through being in such a special position is – and I’ve said this before, many times – that we are different, but we are all the same.

Here are the common messages that have come through in my conversations with the angelic realm this year, that apply to us all:

1 The answer to every problem you have is within you. The challenge is to listen to your intuition, and trust it. This is why the number one piece of feedback I get after a reading is: “This has confirmed what I was already thinking.” The more you can do to tune into your intuition, the better your life will flow.

2 Everybody is afraid of something. Most of us, a lot of things. Whatever it is (fear of rejection, failure or loneliness), you are not the only person who feels this way. But you are the only person who can move through that fear block. Drinking to ignore the problem is not helping you. Neither is remaining in that relationship that you’ve outgrown. If you choose not to move through fear, you will remain stuck.

3 Nobody is getting enough sleep. Nobody.

4 We’ve all got control issues. We all want to know when our soulmate will show up, when our children will be born, when we’ll get our dream job… the angels seldom answer these questions about timing directly, and here’s why: the Universe is much better at running your life than you are. Yes you should absolutely chase your dreams, but ultimately the Universe is in charge of the how and when. Learning to let go and trust in that process is a BIG hurdle for almost all of us.

5 You need to spend more time outdoors. This message comes up again and again, and that’s because we spend too much time in front of screens instead of streams. Simply being around nature – especially water – stimulates movement in your energy field which helps you let go of negative emotions. It also takes you out of your head space (resulting in overanalysing and worrying) and into your heart space (which is where you remember that everything is going to be OK). Yes please do overlook the fact that I am writing this post indoors on a computer screen, and you are no doubt reading it in similar circumstances.

6. You are, in the words of that great 20th century philosopher Winnie the Pooh (lol), braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. This comes through for people in readings again and again, because we are all undervaluing our own awesomnity. Me included. My quest to raise my self-esteem has been the biggest theme on my blog. I know this because I know the Universe does not make broken people (even though you might feel like you are sometimes). You are doing the best you can, and that is enough. Of course you can do better – and you will. And that’s part of what you are here, in this ‘earth school’ (as past-life regression expert Dr Brian Weiss cutely calls it), to learn. Back yourself. You got this. And the angels have got your back.

I used to hate birthdays. Now everything is different

I celebrated my birthday this week. I mean that literally – I really celebrated it. This is significant for me because in past years I’ve greeted my birthday like a smelly, irritating relative that comes to stay every year, whose presence I endure with practised stoicism. The only celebration would happen the day after, when I’d wake up awash with relief that it was all over for another year.

My reasons for resenting my birthday were partly due to the fact that it drew attention to me – and as an introvert, this is excruciating. Seriously, I will vote for the next politician who promises to ban the singing of Happy Birthday in workplaces. *shudder*

But at the heart of my day-of-birth anxiety was the fact that they were a reminder that another year had passed and I was not living the life I wanted to live. 

There was a sense that I was running out of time to be happy, or to achieve a life that looked anywhere near as glossy as those of my peers. Every year my misery increased exponentially as I was faced with the realisation that my life had not changed significantly from how it looked at the last birthday.

This year, however, felt different.

I’ve made some major internal changes during the year that have affected the way I see myself and my future. I have a clearer sense of my life purpose and, most significantly, the value that I hold. I can look back on my regrets without feeling burdened by them. Right now I’m in the process of changing careers, so I don’t feel stuck or inadequate professionally any more. I no longer fret about being single, nor interpret this as evidence that I am flawed. It feels like I have enough time, and enough support from the Universe, to grow to a point that I can emotionally handle, and flourish in, a relationship.

I have wonderful friendships in which I have a sense of belonging and feel valued. Actually, this is probably the most significant change of all when it comes to birthdays. I can still remember the despair and humiliation of my 32nd birthday when only two people showed up for drinks. As I write this post, I’m preparing to meet 18 friends for my birthday celebrations. This blows my mind – 18 people like me enough to come and celebrate with me!

What all this amounts to is me having dropped my ideas of how my life should look – which is what was causing my birthday angst in the past. Instead I’ve arrived at something very close to acceptance of what is. I can recognise and celebrate the many blessings in my life and I don’t feel myself disappearing into the blistering chasm between the hand I imagined I would play, and the hand I’ve been dealt. In addition, I know how much power I have to bring about change, so I’ve dropped my self-pity I used to hold. 

Most crucially, I’ve stopped comparing myself to other people on the regular. On this point my resolve gets tested often (particularly on social media) but I’m better able to detach from comparisons, and jealousy. This is not easy when you’ve grown up in New Zealand, a country where your relationship status is prized above any personal attributes or achievements. But it’s in my choices, not my circumstances, that I measure my worth now.

This is the first year that I truly understand exactly how much I have to celebrate, and I have good reason to believe that will expand and deepen as I age. In a culture obsessed with time and deadlines, my anchoring principles are these: I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and the best is yet to come. 

I still hate that fucking office birthday singalong though.