When my mother was a
child, she enrolled in ballet lessons, full of enthusiasm… then quit after a month
because they wouldn’t teach her how to dance Swan Lake. I’ve always loved this anecdote, not only because it
brilliantly illustrates that self-righteous indignation particular to pre-teen
girls, but also because I can understand her objection to pursuing an activity
she didn’t immediately excel at.
Generally speaking, I
go out of my way to avoid things I’m not good at – budgeting, walking in heels,
samurai-sword fighting (admittedly this last one is not an everyday problem). But meditation has been the one thing I continue to do even though I fail at it
again and again and again.
In a world which
focuses on results, success and achievement, committing every day to doing something I have yet to
improve at feels a little, well, pointless. But that’s exactly the
point.
My daily meditations
go from 10 to 20 minutes. Approximately 45 seconds in, my attention starts to
wander. I’ll be breathing slowly and deeply, feeling my body start to relax,
then my mind will panic about not being in control. Then it stages a takeover bid. Is that rain
outside? I need to renew my domain name soon. Did I ever reply to Mum’s text?
What kind of weird-arse bird makes that sound?
Here are some
strategies I’ve employed at various points in a bid to stay focused on my
practice: repeating mantras, letting go of my thoughts as soon as they appear
(trying to let them simply pass), concentrating on each part of my body and
letting it relax, using guided meditations. These are sometimes effective,
sometimes not. I can proudly declare that I
have been meditating almost every day for about three years and am just as crap
today as the day I started.
I’m telling you this
because whenever I deliver a message from the angels about the need to meditate,
nine times out of 10 I will get this response: ‘I’m no good at meditating’. I’m
sure there are lots of holier-than-thou spiritual types who will tell you how
good they are at meditating, but I’m a very realistic spiritual type. So here’s
the truth: I’m no good at meditating. And this is not a reason not to continue
with my practice. It’s actually an excellent reason TO do it.
The philosophy of
meditation is that there is no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ meditation practice – it’s the
process itself that matters. You’re discouraged from putting a judgment on the
quality of the practice. It’s normal for thoughts to appear in your brain – in fact,
it’s almost impossible to clear your mind of all thoughts – the trick is not to
engage with those thoughts. If you
can resist that, you’ll go deep and experience the level of calm that will melt
your stress and change the shape of your day. Zen monk Shunryu Suzuki explains
it as follows: “In
[meditation] leave your front door and back door open. Let thoughts come and go. Just don’t serve them tea.”
The theory’s
good, the practice, less so.
I have had some
sublime moments while meditating. A few times I have felt myself lifting right
out of my body. I had a sense of floating above in a divine light. It lasted
mere seconds but I have never forgotten that feeling.
I’ve also had very
clear messages from my intuition while meditating that have proved immensely
helpful in my life, which is a major reason I persevere with it, even though I am
often frustrated by my tendency to lose focus and my frequent struggle to let go
completely.
The inescapable truth
is that even when I feel like I haven’t had a particularly beneficial meditation,
I still feel better than I would have if
I hadn’t meditated at all. I feel calmer, more centred and fractionally more
powerful. Even wine can’t do that (although, sometimes it momentarily fools me
into believing it can).
If you’re struggling
with meditation, feeling like you’re doing it wrong or that you’re just not
spiritual enough, I feel you. But you’re going to have to come up with a better
reason not to commit to this hugely powerful, transformative activity. In a
loud, crazy-busy and confusing world, we all need periods of stillness like we
never have before. Even when you lose, you’re actually winning. So keep trying,
keep failing. You will be better for it.
The fact that being with someone is triggering so
many of my deepest fears is a good thing – it’s giving me the opportunity to
clear them so I can move into a space of greater confidence and
self-acceptance. As I’ve noted on this blog many times, when it comes to
dealing with fear, the only way out is through. Hello, trust issues. Hello,
fragility. Hello, guarded heart. 
It would appear, in conclusion, that the Rolling
Stones were right all along – you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes
you get what you need. Which is pretty far from a fairytale, but it’s the best
I’m going to get. 