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I quit drinking eight years ago, so it’s been a long time since I had a booze-induced hangover. But since the lexicon is expanding with new hangover varieties which don’t involve alcohol, I need never feel like I’m missing out. Like a vulnerability hangover – which is that cringey, I-want-to-die feeling that sometimes follows revealing something deeply personal. Or a ‘competence hangover’, which I learned about in a Grazia article recently. This type of hangover, the article says, describes the physical consequences – including insomnia, headaches, exhaustion and irritability – of taking on too many tasks and obligations because you’re seeking the emotional reward of being seen as very competent by others. And while an alcohol hangover is short-term, this is one hangover that can go on for years, if not decades.
“Chartered psychologist Dr Audrey Tang says the roots of it often start early. ‘If a child, most often a girl, is praised as the helpful or clever one, she may perceive her worth is tied to her abilities and she replays that pattern in the workplace,’ she says. Layer on society’s higher expectations of women and you have a generation who feel they must be hyper‑competent simply to stay in the game, says Dr Tang.”
This is certainly relatable, and I could name at least 10 people I know right now who fit this descriptor – but I’m not convinced we need a snazzy new word (okay, two words) for what is essentially burnout through a different lens. Or people-pleasing (I’ve already shared why I’m not a huge fan of that term – read here). Really what this article is describing is just (just!) the exhaustion that comes from chasing validation through what you do.
It’s clear to me that a competence hangover is not really about wanting to be competent, it’s about wanting to be loved and valued. In a society that prizes productivity, it’s not surprising that trying to do more things is the path we’re likely to take if we’re not feeling good enough within. And that payoff we seek – the praise, the love – is not guaranteed to arrive. And if it does, it won’t last, because that underlying sense of not-good-enough-ness still exists. Which is the actual problem.
Lately my productivity has decelerated massively. I’m dealing with two longer-term injuries – a recurring knee problem I’ve had since childhood, and a chronic shoulder issue that makes daily tasks and sleeping nigh impossible. As a result, I’m not doing much in the way of housework, life admin or social events. (Ironically, these two health events happened in quick succession around the time I wrote this piece about prioritising pleasure over productivity in my weekends.) I’m managing to do my work and basic tasks, including a long list of physio-sanctioned stretches and exercises, but none of the big-picture stuff I would normally be doing. That new year plan I set in January? Gone. For now, my focus is just the bare minimum.
Here’s the surprising thing: I don’t feel any less valuable as a result. I don’t like being in slow-mo mode, but I have no option other than to keep saying no to social gatherings and events, and overlook stuff that would normally annoy me, like dusty surfaces. But I don’t feel inadequate for it. This, I think, is only possible because I’ve been working for so long, through spiritual healing, to shore up my sense of value within. Otherwise, I suspect, being so unproductive and frequently idle would have really rattled my sense of identity.
If you are feeling physically and emotionally drained, and you think your focus on relentless productivity might be a factor, there’s a ton of advice online about learning to say ‘no’ and better managing your daily tasks. But ultimately, what is really going to move the needle is shoring up your sense of value – and that is a long, ongoing journey. Once you understand, both intellectually and spiritually, that you are enough, you won’t be pulled into societal patterns like the exhaustive (and fruitless) search to do the most and be the most.