Recently I had a dream so potent that it has stayed with me for more
than a week.
I was walking with some people I used to know, who are very
sophisticated and elegant. We were heading towards one person’s
home, then they fell into a conversation I didn’t understand, and started to
gain pace. Suddenly it was like my legs had a rubber band around them, just
above the knees. My legs would only take small steps forward, and I couldn’t
separate them enough to lengthen my stride and catch up with the others. I was
shouting at them to wait for me but they were too engrossed in their
conversation to notice me.
Soon they progressed so far ahead I lost sight of them,
and I didn’t know where I was going. I became hopelessly lost, and got
stuck, briefly, trying to climb over a seawall. Eventually they
realised that I didn’t know where I was going and came looking for me. I
was quite distressed abut the fact that my legs had failed me and that I hadn’t
been able to stay with them. “I just couldn’t keep up with you,” I
said to them sadly.
I just couldn’t keep up with you.
This is the line that has been bouncing around my head ever since that
dream. I wrote it down in my dream diary when I woke up, but I didn’t really
need to – the meaning is so obvious. When I tried to follow other people’s
path, I lost my way.
Wanting to keep up with other people – specifically, people I perceive
to be cooler, hotter, more successful – is an old pattern of mine. It’s that
whole ‘fitting in’ strategy we adopt in our teenage years and often results in
us overspending on material goods in adulthood (keeping up with the Joneses, in
other words). It can also result in us painting the picture of a perfect life
on social media – and Brisbane model Essena O’Neill, 18, certainly did a brave
thing this week by admitting her Instagram shots were faked in order to cast
herself as someone to envy and admire.
For me, the urge to keep up with other people is problematic for several
reasons. The first is that it’s based on comparisons. It involves me
assessing other people, concluding that they are superior to me for whatever
reason, and putting them on a pedestal. This is unwise, given I have no idea
what is actually going on in people’s lives beyond the surface. Are they good
people? Who knows! Are they happy? They probably have the same problems as
everyone else. Are they better than me? Well, no, actually – since life is not,
whatever Nike would like us to believe, a competition. I love this line in the
90s hit Sunscreen Song: "The race is long, and in the end, it’s
only with yourself."
There’s another problem here. Worrying about what other people have,
look like and appear to be doing takes my focus away from where it needs
to be: on my own growth and development.
This dream has been a wake-up call (literally!) that I need to
address the way I compare myself to others, and also the way that I measure my
own value. This is not a new lesson; I’ve referenced my struggles with
comparison and self-worth in many previous posts. But just like those
angel cards that keep recurring in the daily readings I do for you guys, these
messages will keep coming up until I can truly take them on board and move on.
The Universe will not stop throwing these messages at me until I learn the
lesson.
I can’t keep up with other people, and I don’t need to. I am
enough.