Why is The Universe testing me?

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If you grew up in a religious household you may have been told as a child that when things go wrong, it’s because God is testing you. I got this a lot when I was a kid. To my young mind, it wasn’t particularly helpful. It was never clear to me what the test was, what I’d done wrong to deserve it or what I needed to change in order to ‘pass’ this supposed test.

Even without the religious overtones, there are plenty of adults who believe that when we encounter challenges it’s because the Universe is throwing down some sort of challenge or test. I sometimes hear versions of this statement: ‘the Universe must be testing me’, or ‘I guess God/the Universe doesn’t want me to rent this house/get promoted/find love [insert relevant circumstance]’. It’s true that sometimes things pass us by because they aren’t right for us, but it’s not true that the Universe would deliberately send you crappy situations to challenge your willpower or your faith.

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My spiritual coach Michelle Capper-Fay once told me: ‘The Universe isn’t testing us, it’s only responding to us’. That means the situations you attract are a reflection of what’s going on within you*. That might sound somewhat depressing, but it’s actually pretty awesome – because it means you’ve got the power to turn things around.

Here’s an example. People often come to see me because they want to attract healthy long-term relationships, but instead, they find they are attracting people who might keep disappearing on them or who perhaps aren’t ready for a serious relationship. It’s tempting to make excuses for each of these people – they had a nasty divorce, a crappy upbringing or they’ve got a really stressful job, perhaps – but it actually doesn’t matter why they’re not the right fit for you. As writer Reema Zaman says: ‘Men aren’t riddles for you to solve.’ (Obviously this applies to women, too.) It’s not about them, it’s about you. The question to ask yourself is not: ‘why is this person behaving this way?’ The more helpful question is this: ‘what is it within me that has seen me attract this situation?’ You can’t fix other people but you can absolutely work through your own issues to ensure you’re not attracting things that are wrong for you from the get-go. (For more information on attracting healthy relationships, read this article.)

According to the law of attraction, ‘like’ attracts ‘like’, which means that people tend to attract people who reflect their fears in some way, magnet-style. So in the relationship example, it’s a good idea to do some self-reflection and ask how the other person’s behaviour reflects or confirms what’s going on within you. If, for example, on a deep level you don’t believe that you are worthy of love, you may attract people who keep withholding it from you, or who will leave you to affirm (in your mind) that you’re not good enough.  

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In this episode of Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations podcast, spiritual author Gary Zukav puts it like this: “You’re always sending messages, and every message you send has got the same address on it. It says ‘return to sender’ and what is coming back to you is not just the action but the intention of love or the intention of fear… You are responsible for the consequences you create. You cannot flunk the Earth School – it’s impossible. Everything that happens to you, happens to assist your spiritual development.”

Here are some ways we can inadvertently send ourselves situations we don’t want:

·      Negative mindset: If you believe, in the words of Adam Sandler from The Wedding Singer, that ‘love stinks’, good luck attracting a healthy relationship. Equally, if you believe that nothing good ever happens to you, then you may struggle to attract good outcomes, such as promotions and lifestyle opportunities, etc. It’s important to have positive expectations – or, at least, not have barriers against hope. Having a positive mindset doesn’t mean believing everything is wonderful when it really truly is not, it just means acknowledging the reality of your situation while holding space for something better to come through down the track.

·      Limiting beliefs: If you are terrified that you aren’t good enough for that job you want, it’s going to be really hard for you to manifest it. We all have insecurities, of course, but if your self-worth is so low that you don’t believe you deserve the situation you want, or that there will be consequences or some sort of negative exposure if you get it, you’ll attract something well beneath that**.

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·      Unhealed energy: When we endure any trauma – bullying and rejection, for example – that forms a wound in our energy field, which means we’ll energetically repel any situation where there’s a risk of a similar trauma occurring (even if that risk is low or even imagined). We can also take on board traumas or fears from our parents without consciously realising it. And sometimes those traumas have happened in past lives, which means an energy healer or past-life regression therapist is required**.

·      Lack of direction: You can’t hit a target you haven’t set. In this article, I wrote about the common reasons that we can end up with something that doesn’t match what we want, including not setting clear intentions. Drifting through life hoping things get better without your intervention is not a particularly effective life plan.

Look, I know that examining where we’re getting stuck is not a particularly pleasant process, but the thing about transformation is that you have to be deeply uncomfortable first – that’s kind of the deal with being human. As author Liz Gilbert says: ‘I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.’

* Obviously there are some extreme situations which are exceptions to this.

**If you want help breaking through these patterns and energetic blocks, talk to me about energy healing.

When the Universe isn’t giving you what you want…

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Have you ever gone to a restaurant and been served a meal that isn’t at all what you ordered? A similar thing sometimes happens with the Universe when it comes to our goals and wishes – only, there’s no wait staff to help you sort it out. You might, for example, have asked the Universe to help you meet your soulmate, but instead you keep meeting people who are blowing hot and cold. Or you put in a request for greater abundance, but your bank balance stays depressingly the same. In situations like this, it’s tempting to become furious with the Universe (been there!) – or worse, to quit spirituality entirely out of the belief it must be BS (yep, been there too!). But before you go down that road, it’s worth considering whether maybe the problem was you. Yep, there are a few ways we accidentally block ourselves from manifesting our goals. You might not have put in a clear order, for example, or you maybe didn’t play your part in bringing the goal to fruition. And sometimes, you’re asking for something that simply isn’t right for you… but we’ll get to that.

Let’s take a deep dive into my top five reasons your reality might not be matching your intentions.

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1. You didn’t play your part.

If there’s something you really want to create in your life – or manifest, if you want to use the cool kids’ terminology – the first step is to ask for it. Unfortunately, some of the messaging around the law of attraction has made it seem like this is ALL you have to do (I’m looking at you, The Secret!), but what I’ve learned about the way energy works is that everything you create is in partnership with the Universe. And that means you have to play your part, instead of just leaving it up to the divine. Once you’ve set your goal, start taking action steps towards it, which gives the Universe something to anchor energy onto. Simples.

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2. Your intentions were muddy.

Let’s revisit that restaurant scenario again (because I do love to flog a metaphor). If you’re dining out and you’re really vague about what you want, you’ll either get served nothing or you’ll get anything but what you wanted. You can’t hit a target you haven’t set. It sounds obvious, but it’s surprising how many people don’t get this: you must have clarity about what you want. That doesn’t mean you need to have all the details mapped out (in fact, it’s better if you don’t), but you do need to have a clear idea of where you want to end up. For example: “I want to live somewhere nice” doesn’t really give the Universe a lot to work with, but “I want to buy a house at the top of a hill with a massive verandah surrounded by trees in Far North Queensland” is much more direct.

It’s important to spend time in self-reflection really honing in on what you want to co-create with the Universe. Some people use a vision board for this process. Personally, I’m not a very visual person, so that idea doesn’t resonate for me. What I do is journal about the feelings that having that goal will give me – which really helps me call in my vision on an energetic level. 

3. The solution didn’t match your expectations.

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You asked for more money, and expected that to show up in the form of a pay rise. That didn’t happen, and now you’re annoyed AF. Your sister offered you a loan, but hell no, you ain’t taking her money!

Not so fast, buddy. Here’s the deal: if you’re declining something you wanted because it didn’t take the form you wanted, that’s a mistake. When you set a goal, you need to be open to how it shows up – and remember that the Universe often works through other people. When it comes to goals, you are in charge of the ‘what’ and the ‘why’, but the Universe is in charge of the ‘when’, ‘where’ and the ‘how’. Don’t get in your own way.

4. You’re too attached to the goal.

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I know, I know, it sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s true – if you are too attached to something, you actually block the Universe from delivering it.

Let me give you an example. Some years ago I was so desperately unhappy about being single that I became completely and utterly fixated on my relationship status, terrified I would never meet my soulmate. Instead of using that as impetus to get myself emotionally ready for a relationship, and work through the barriers I was actually putting up against it – which would have been a much more productive use of my time than worrying – I became obsessed with the idea of being in a relationship, to the point where I couldn’t conceive of any life that didn’t involve that outcome. Around this point I went to a seminar by Sydney meditation teacher Tom Cronin, who talked about the art of non-attachment. He’d put an intention of making a documentary out to the Universe, then let that intention go. He did not return to that goal each day and reaffirm how much he wanted it. He kept plugging away at making it happen in a practical way, but did not make that goal his be-all and end-all. He wanted it, but he wasn’t sending out the ‘I NEED this’ vibes.

When I heard this story I was confused – how could anyone let go of something they wanted so badly?! It was much later that I finally understood: if your desire is so intense that you’re becoming obsessive about it, you’re interfering with the Universe’s flow. It was only when I stopped fixating on a relationship and started focusing on enjoying my life, building up my business and improving my relationship with myself (including healing my energetic blocks around connection), the soulmate relationship came through. Essentially, I was taking action steps towards my goal without being over-attached to it. In fact, by the time I’d met my now-partner, I didn’t really care too much whether a long-term relationship between us developed or not. Of course, I wanted to spend more time with him, but I trusted that the Universe would take care of the bigger-picture ‘how this will play out’ stuff. It was a very different headspace from the days when I would go on one date then lose interest because I couldn’t see myself marrying that person in the future!

In short: it’s not about not wanting something, it’s about not having an ‘I must have this or I will fall apart’ energy around it.

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5. You want something that isn’t right for you.

Oh boy, this is a big one. When you ask for something, the Universe has three possible answers:

·      Yes

·      Not yet

·      I have something better in mind.

Trouble is, if what you asked for is taking its sweet-ass time appearing, it’s hard to know whether you fit into the middle or the last category. I wish I had an easy formula to help people decipher whether they need to wait it out or whether they’re barking up the wrong damn tree. Unfortunately, I don’t (sorry).

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There are a couple of things you could try. You could ask the Universe for a sign that you should continue with what you’re doing (more information on signs here). I would also recommend you do some self-reflection on whether you’re getting in your own way (see points three or four) – in particular, it’s important to make sure you’re not trying to control the process or force things to happen on your schedule. You could also seek out the help of an energy healer like myself* to make sure you’re not blocking the goal through your own fears or limiting beliefs, particularly if you’re holding a lot of past pain in that area.

If it is time to walk away from a goal, your intuition will tell you. Usually, we know on some level when we’re reaching for something that truly doesn’t serve us – but it can take a bit of time to fully accept that . For more information on identifying the voice of your intuition, read this post.

*If you’d like to work with me to manifest your goals and clear any energetic blocks (including deep-seated fears and limiting beliefs) that might be getting in your way, contact me about energy healing sessions here.

The people you carry with you (and those you wish you could drop)

“Once in a while I return to the fold of people I call my own.”

If ever you should find yourself adrift in a moment you can’t put words to, I guarantee there is a Finn lyric that will do the job.

The beautifully simple piece of lyrical mastery above, which has always stayed with me (as good songwriting should), is from a 2006 Finn Brothers song called Won’t Give In. To me, this is about the way our most treasured humans anchor us in time and space, shaping our sense of identity and shoring up our sense of purpose. Last week I returned to my homeland and spent a delicious week with family and friends, and I observed, not for the first time, the effect that being in their presence had on the rhythm of my heart. I felt lighter, I felt held. I remembered how much the humans around me make me want to be a better human.

And then I remembered that some of the people who make me a better human are not among my inner sanctum. Actually, some of the people who’ve taught me the most are people I wish I’d never met.

Instagram, that dubious temple of modern spirituality, is rife with quotes about the importance of spending time with the ‘right’ people. Your vibe attracts your tribe! Surround yourself with people who lift you up! Unfollow people in real life! These snappy catchphrases are all helpful... but also unhelpful, I think, because they implore you to judge people’s inherent worth (which rather undermines that whole spirituality ethos, no?) What’s more, they don’t account for the fact that it’s not always possible to ditch the people who don’t behave in ways you want or expect (particularly if you live with said people), and that many of those folks have probably been brought into your life for a reason. 

Look, people are dicks sometimes. And that’s not a bad thing. Because dickery (prob not a real word, but let’s go with it) can teach us plenty. The bloke who pulled out from a side street in front of you teaches you why being considerate on the roads is important, and why you need to pay more attention while driving. The workmate who took credit for your efforts teaches you why it’s important to acknowledge people’s achievements, and that you need to make your boss more aware of your contribution. The date who never called you back teaches you why it’s important to treat people fairly, and what you’re *not* looking for in a partner. Yes, it would be ideal if these people weren’t in your orbit – but that’s not how the Universe works. Mostly it gives you the people you need, not the people you want (although, I am sure, you have plenty of those in your life too). 

Law of attraction pioneer Louise Hay believes that the reason certain people annoy us is because they remind us of aspects of ourselves we find uncomfortable. I have found this to be true in many cases. About five years ago while reading You Can Heal Your Life, I had a friend who constantly interrupted people, made bitchy comments behind people’s backs and engaged in one-upmanship. You may wonder why I was friends with this person. (I wonder that too, actually.) She was part of a group of girls I’d been close with since university days and I felt a sense of loyalty to her. Even so, I often found her behaviour infuriating, until (after reading Louise’s insight) I realised how many times I did the same shitty things. Ouch. I, too, interrupted others. I definitely gossiped about my friends. And a tendency towards competitiveness, driven by a fear of lack, is one of my least attractive qualities.  Even though this girl is no longer my friend, I consider her one of my teachers because she spotlighted areas I needed to address in order to become a better person – and ultimately showed me how I didn’t want to live. I’m not saying I don’t occasionally do these things still, but I’m getting pretty good at calling myself out when I do.

Think about the person who is really grinding your gears at the moment, and ask yourself honestly whether you are replicating their behaviour or attitude in some way, even at a low level. This won’t always prove to be the case – and it certainly doesn’t excuse their bad behaviour – but if you realise that they are mirroring you in some way, that may help diffuse your anger slightly and help you look at the situation (and yourself) differently.

You don’t have to put up with irritating, inconsiderate or just plain rude behaviour but if it’s not possible for you to cut someone out of your life, reflecting on what you can learn from the situation might make it more tolerable.

Above all else, what can be most helpful is remembering that we are all dicks sometimes. I know I am. Happily, when human contact becomes too exhausting, you can always return to the fold of people you call your own. And you should, as often as you can.

The law of attraction. Does it work? YES. Well, most of the time...

When Jim Carrey was a struggling actor, he wrote himself a cheque for $10 million for “acting services rendered”, dating it 10 years from that date. He did this because, despite growing up in poverty (his family lived in a car at one point), he believed he could hit the big time as an actor. And he did. Within 10 years he was earning millions for films such as Ace Ventura and The Mask.

This story is a wonderful illustration of how much power we have to manifest what we want. That’s a message that comes up in angel card readings all the time, and a concept that I’ve used in my own life to get what I had my heart set on. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. Alas, this approach is not guaranteed – which can be disappointing. Here are my thoughts on why.

If you read The Secret when it came out a decade ago, you’re probably familiar with the law of attraction (I didn’t; I found it too gimmicky). Here’s the concept in a nutshell: whatever you want, you can attract through your thoughts. If you focus on what you don’t want, you’ll block what you want, and probably attract what you don’t. 

Here’s how I’ve used the law of attraction to manifest specific things:

* When I needed a car in 2010, I was fearful of buying a car that would break down on me, so I asked the Universe to find me a car like my friend owned, which was cheap to run and super reliable. Within a few days I had spotted that model of car on the side of the road near my house with a ‘for sale’ sign in the window. My dad checked it out and said it was a good buy, so I put in a low offer and got it. Too easy! That car is now owned by my brother and despite being more than 20 years old, it has yet to fail a warrant of fitness.

* When I moved back to Sydney last year I was nervous about making friends. As an introvert, social situations are challenging for me. I visualised myself encircled by a group of friends and laughing – and I returned my thoughts to this vision time and time again. A month after I arrived, the angels drew my attention to a newspaper story about a new social group that had started. I joined the group and within two months I had found myself part of a group of friends who are awesome, and have made me feel like I belong here.

On the other hand, sometimes the law of attraction has not delivered. This can happen because sometimes things that we think we need are actually not right for us. I wouldn’t, for example, recommend focusing on manifesting a winning lottery ticket. Even though you might think a truckload of money is exactly what you need for a better life, the Universe knows better. (Yes, it worked for Jim Carrey, but his goal was more about career success than the financial payoff.)

I have focused on attracting a wonderful man into my life for about four years now, without success. However I can see now that the timing was wrong – I wasn’t ready for a healthy relationship, even though I thought I was. I had so much work to do on myself, in particular, bolstering my woefully low self-esteem (my neediness was hardly an attractive quality). If I’d been in a long-term relationship, I would never have embarked on the journey of personal development that has brought me to where I am now. Not only am I now a more independent, resourceful person who knows that happiness and love are derived from within me rather than in a relationship, I’ve also forged a more fulfilling career in the spiritual realm. I would never have taken this direction I hadn’t delved within to find answers to my own discontentment.

And that’s the thing about the law of attraction – while we do have the power to attract what we want, what we want might not be in our best interests. And we don’t have any say in the timing.
This is why I’m wary of self-help books and wellness bloggers that promise you can have anything you want if you just think positive. This philosophy can lead to disappointment and disillusionment. (I’ve written about the inflated promises dolled out by some sectors of the self-help industry before, read my blog post here.)

Keep believing, people. The law of attraction isn’t a perfect mail order system but it *does* work. (Eventually.)

I’d love to hear how the law of attraction has worked for you. Email me if you’d like to share your story.

Believing in the happy ending when you're halfway through the scary book

When you Google the word ‘trust’, the fourth thing that comes up (behind ‘trust deeds’, ‘trust definition’and ‘trust tax return’) is ‘trust issues’. Oh Google, you know me so well. 

I’m one of those people who flips to the last page of a book when the drama gets intense, and Googles the plot summary of a movie if it gets too nail-bitey. You’d think that would reassure me. But, no. Even when I know the story’s going to end brilliantly, I still skim-read/skip through the uncomfortable parts. It’s as if I can’t quite believe that everything really is going to work out.

Despite years of reading metaphysical texts, communicating with angels and now working with energy, trusting the Universe to sort out my problems remains a major stumbling block for me. On the surface, this makes no sense – I’ve already seen proof that the Universe has my back, again and again and again. But even though I believe a perfect outcome is possible, there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe that it’s probable. 

Whenever I find myself on my knees in particularly difficult periods, the message I get from the angels, again and again and again, is along these lines: ‘Trust us. Let go. It’s going to be fine.’ I believe them, but I’m also doubtful. Which is normal. It’s not possible, I don’t think, to have a learning experience or challenge that isn’t accompanied by at least a small degree of fear. The trick is learning to let go of the fear so it doesn’t hold you back from living a big life. All I have to do is have faith and relinquish control over the outcome… if only it were that easy!

Here’s the problem – when I worry, fret and despair, I’m getting in my own way. My negative energy increases, blocking solutions and contributing to an adverse result.

There’s a quote that gets bashed about on social media all the time and it goes like this: ‘Everything will be OK in the end. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end.’ This is posted endlessly because it’s true – even though things may not work out exactly how you had imagined, they’ve worked out the way they were supposed to. And often that’s better than you had imagined, or there’s something better coming up. In either outcome, you will be OK. You are always OK. (I’m saying this to you guys, but I’m sure you realise I’m really saying it to myself.)

I dealt out the ‘trust’ card in an angel card reading the other day and I was told that that message was for me as well as the person I was reading for. That message was: trust it is all going to be OK.

And it will. I’ve already been told my business is going to thrive. I’ve already been told I’m going to meet the perfect man for me. Therefore, there’s nothing to worry about, right? Right? RIGHT?!

Everything is under control. Not my control, but that’s probably for the best. (It’s fair to say the Universe does a better job of running my life than I do.)

And then they all lived happily ever after.