What to do when you're not hitting your goals

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New year, new you, right? Not so much. Many of us feel inspired to make drastic changes when the calendar ticks over to another year, only to wind up frustrated when we fail to hit those epic goals. So why does that happen? From an energy healer’s perspective, here are some of the factors that may be adversely affecting your progress…

1 You don’t believe you’ll be successful

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It’s very difficult to hit a target you can’t see… even more so when the reason you can’t see it is because you don’t really believe it’s there. Self-belief is super important when it comes to using energy to manifest goals. If you want to buy a house but you’ve adopted your cynical great-uncle’s belief that there’s not any affordable property options out there, that’s going to be a massive problem. I’m not advocating for total avoidance of reality – if the economy’s tough, it’s tough – instead, acceptance of how things are while also holding space for the Universe to bring through possibilities that seem impossible. In other words, trusting you can get a good outcome, even though you can’t yet see how.

Sometimes these underlying fears and beliefs can be sneaky and you might not realise they’re there, so it’s a good idea to really think about whether fear is showing up for you.

2 You’re self-sabotaging due to limiting fears

‘Self-sabotage’ is a term that gets bandied about a lot in self-help circles, and it’s a term I’m wary about. It kinda implies someone is deliberately ruining their life, but my experience, deliberate sabotage is rarely the case. It is, however, entirely possible you’re inadvertently hindering your own progress – even though it’s probably the last thing you want to do. Often, there’s a limiting fear playing out in your subconscious. For example, if your goal is to manifest a long-term relationship but you keep hooking up with people who have zero long-term potential, there could be a fear around rejection lodged deep in your energy, which leads you to abandon your own goals lest your fear should come to pass. That’s just one example, but it does illustrate how we can get in our own way sometimes – not through lack of knowledge, but fear. (For more information on the role of limiting beliefs in relationships, read this.)

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3 You’re aiming for something you don’t actually want

Recently I posted on Instagram this quote from meditation expert Megan Monahan: “Until you get really clear about what YOU want, you’re destined to eavesdrop on others’ desires and chase them as if they were your own.” In that post, I described how being bullied in my primary-school years likely contributed to my long-term pattern of trying to fit in with others (a survival tactic designed to avoid attracting adverse attention). Up until recent years, I still found myself making choices purely because they looked mainstream (and, therefore, safe), even if those choices weren’t actually right for me. Case in point: my career path. When I started out in journalism, I had my sights set on becoming a magazine editor, because that was the trajectory all my peers were on. Eventually I realised that such a management role would take me away from what I loved (ie writing), and wouldn’t have made me happy at all. I felt a little embarrassed to admit I was no aspiring to any glittery job title on my career path, but gradually I came to a place of self-acceptance with that – not an easy thing to do in a competitive world.

If you’re struggling to hit a particular goal, have a think about whether that outcome is actually right for you, or whether you’ve simply fixed on it because that’s what everyone around you is doing.

The thing is, if you don’t really want the thing you’re aiming at, it’ll be hard to get momentum because you’re essentially sending the Universe mixed messages – you’re reaching for something and rejecting it at the same time.

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4 You don’t really know what you want

Oh boy, this is a tough one. If you’re a people-pleaser, or you’ve been doing what society expects of you (as discussed in the previous section), you’re probably struggling to discern what you *actually* want to do. That may mean you keep jumping around from project to project, either procrastinating heavily or abandoning each idea quickly, without getting a sense of completion. That is totally OK to do, by the way, and isn’t a sign of failure (I wrote an article about that here). However if you *do* want to bring something to completion but you’re finding you’re not able to apply yourself for long, it could be that, deep down, you don’t actually know what you want and so you’re jumping into any shiny car that passes you, without letting your intuition guide you on the destination you truly desire. 

Working out what you want can take time to discern. Firstly, I recommend making time for self-reflection (as my very wise spiritual coach Michelle Capper-Fay once told me: without self-reflection there can be no growth). Spend some time alone – sans phone, kids or other distractions – writing notes about what you’re passionate about, what gives you a sense of purpose and what you value in life. That may give you some insight into the best direction for you. Working with a career coach may also provide some clarity.

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5 You’ve overinvested in the goal.

This is something that applies to the big-scale goals you’ve got (eg aiming to run a successful not-for-profit organisation) rather than the more immediate plans (eg aiming to run in the New York Marathon). It sounds totally counter-intuitive, but if you want something so badly that your fixation is bordering on obsession, that’s leaving the Universe no room to send in energy to support you. Being overattached isn’t healthy, as it means you’ve yoked your sense of identity and value to the result you want (ruh-roh). That means you’re trying to control the process too much, and that will block the perfect outcome – which may or may not be in alignment with your definition – to come through from the Universe. Let go and allow some breathing space.

In situations like this, channelling your energy into something else can be helpful. In this post, I talk about how I was only able to manifest a long-term relationship when I stopped focusing on it and put all my energy into developing my spiritual business instead – the improved self-awareness and confidence I gained from that shifted me from a space of ‘a relationship is the most defining factor in my life’ to ‘as long as I am growing and learning, everything else will flow as it needs to’. In other words, it helped me let go and let the Universe take the wheel.

*If any of these beliefs or issues resonate with you, talk to me about how energy healing can help you break through blocks and attract what you want.

Why is The Universe testing me?

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If you grew up in a religious household you may have been told as a child that when things go wrong, it’s because God is testing you. I got this a lot when I was a kid. To my young mind, it wasn’t particularly helpful. It was never clear to me what the test was, what I’d done wrong to deserve it or what I needed to change in order to ‘pass’ this supposed test.

Even without the religious overtones, there are plenty of adults who believe that when we encounter challenges it’s because the Universe is throwing down some sort of challenge or test. I sometimes hear versions of this statement: ‘the Universe must be testing me’, or ‘I guess God/the Universe doesn’t want me to rent this house/get promoted/find love [insert relevant circumstance]’. It’s true that sometimes things pass us by because they aren’t right for us, but it’s not true that the Universe would deliberately send you crappy situations to challenge your willpower or your faith.

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My spiritual coach Michelle Capper-Fay once told me: ‘The Universe isn’t testing us, it’s only responding to us’. That means the situations you attract are a reflection of what’s going on within you*. That might sound somewhat depressing, but it’s actually pretty awesome – because it means you’ve got the power to turn things around.

Here’s an example. People often come to see me because they want to attract healthy long-term relationships, but instead, they find they are attracting people who might keep disappearing on them or who perhaps aren’t ready for a serious relationship. It’s tempting to make excuses for each of these people – they had a nasty divorce, a crappy upbringing or they’ve got a really stressful job, perhaps – but it actually doesn’t matter why they’re not the right fit for you. As writer Reema Zaman says: ‘Men aren’t riddles for you to solve.’ (Obviously this applies to women, too.) It’s not about them, it’s about you. The question to ask yourself is not: ‘why is this person behaving this way?’ The more helpful question is this: ‘what is it within me that has seen me attract this situation?’ You can’t fix other people but you can absolutely work through your own issues to ensure you’re not attracting things that are wrong for you from the get-go. (For more information on attracting healthy relationships, read this article.)

According to the law of attraction, ‘like’ attracts ‘like’, which means that people tend to attract people who reflect their fears in some way, magnet-style. So in the relationship example, it’s a good idea to do some self-reflection and ask how the other person’s behaviour reflects or confirms what’s going on within you. If, for example, on a deep level you don’t believe that you are worthy of love, you may attract people who keep withholding it from you, or who will leave you to affirm (in your mind) that you’re not good enough.  

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In this episode of Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations podcast, spiritual author Gary Zukav puts it like this: “You’re always sending messages, and every message you send has got the same address on it. It says ‘return to sender’ and what is coming back to you is not just the action but the intention of love or the intention of fear… You are responsible for the consequences you create. You cannot flunk the Earth School – it’s impossible. Everything that happens to you, happens to assist your spiritual development.”

Here are some ways we can inadvertently send ourselves situations we don’t want:

·      Negative mindset: If you believe, in the words of Adam Sandler from The Wedding Singer, that ‘love stinks’, good luck attracting a healthy relationship. Equally, if you believe that nothing good ever happens to you, then you may struggle to attract good outcomes, such as promotions and lifestyle opportunities, etc. It’s important to have positive expectations – or, at least, not have barriers against hope. Having a positive mindset doesn’t mean believing everything is wonderful when it really truly is not, it just means acknowledging the reality of your situation while holding space for something better to come through down the track.

·      Limiting beliefs: If you are terrified that you aren’t good enough for that job you want, it’s going to be really hard for you to manifest it. We all have insecurities, of course, but if your self-worth is so low that you don’t believe you deserve the situation you want, or that there will be consequences or some sort of negative exposure if you get it, you’ll attract something well beneath that**.

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·      Unhealed energy: When we endure any trauma – bullying and rejection, for example – that forms a wound in our energy field, which means we’ll energetically repel any situation where there’s a risk of a similar trauma occurring (even if that risk is low or even imagined). We can also take on board traumas or fears from our parents without consciously realising it. And sometimes those traumas have happened in past lives, which means an energy healer or past-life regression therapist is required**.

·      Lack of direction: You can’t hit a target you haven’t set. In this article, I wrote about the common reasons that we can end up with something that doesn’t match what we want, including not setting clear intentions. Drifting through life hoping things get better without your intervention is not a particularly effective life plan.

Look, I know that examining where we’re getting stuck is not a particularly pleasant process, but the thing about transformation is that you have to be deeply uncomfortable first – that’s kind of the deal with being human. As author Liz Gilbert says: ‘I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.’

* Obviously there are some extreme situations which are exceptions to this.

**If you want help breaking through these patterns and energetic blocks, talk to me about energy healing.

When the Universe isn’t giving you what you want…

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Have you ever gone to a restaurant and been served a meal that isn’t at all what you ordered? A similar thing sometimes happens with the Universe when it comes to our goals and wishes – only, there’s no wait staff to help you sort it out. You might, for example, have asked the Universe to help you meet your soulmate, but instead you keep meeting people who are blowing hot and cold. Or you put in a request for greater abundance, but your bank balance stays depressingly the same. In situations like this, it’s tempting to become furious with the Universe (been there!) – or worse, to quit spirituality entirely out of the belief it must be BS (yep, been there too!). But before you go down that road, it’s worth considering whether maybe the problem was you. Yep, there are a few ways we accidentally block ourselves from manifesting our goals. You might not have put in a clear order, for example, or you maybe didn’t play your part in bringing the goal to fruition. And sometimes, you’re asking for something that simply isn’t right for you… but we’ll get to that.

Let’s take a deep dive into my top five reasons your reality might not be matching your intentions.

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1. You didn’t play your part.

If there’s something you really want to create in your life – or manifest, if you want to use the cool kids’ terminology – the first step is to ask for it. Unfortunately, some of the messaging around the law of attraction has made it seem like this is ALL you have to do (I’m looking at you, The Secret!), but what I’ve learned about the way energy works is that everything you create is in partnership with the Universe. And that means you have to play your part, instead of just leaving it up to the divine. Once you’ve set your goal, start taking action steps towards it, which gives the Universe something to anchor energy onto. Simples.

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2. Your intentions were muddy.

Let’s revisit that restaurant scenario again (because I do love to flog a metaphor). If you’re dining out and you’re really vague about what you want, you’ll either get served nothing or you’ll get anything but what you wanted. You can’t hit a target you haven’t set. It sounds obvious, but it’s surprising how many people don’t get this: you must have clarity about what you want. That doesn’t mean you need to have all the details mapped out (in fact, it’s better if you don’t), but you do need to have a clear idea of where you want to end up. For example: “I want to live somewhere nice” doesn’t really give the Universe a lot to work with, but “I want to buy a house at the top of a hill with a massive verandah surrounded by trees in Far North Queensland” is much more direct.

It’s important to spend time in self-reflection really honing in on what you want to co-create with the Universe. Some people use a vision board for this process. Personally, I’m not a very visual person, so that idea doesn’t resonate for me. What I do is journal about the feelings that having that goal will give me – which really helps me call in my vision on an energetic level. 

3. The solution didn’t match your expectations.

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You asked for more money, and expected that to show up in the form of a pay rise. That didn’t happen, and now you’re annoyed AF. Your sister offered you a loan, but hell no, you ain’t taking her money!

Not so fast, buddy. Here’s the deal: if you’re declining something you wanted because it didn’t take the form you wanted, that’s a mistake. When you set a goal, you need to be open to how it shows up – and remember that the Universe often works through other people. When it comes to goals, you are in charge of the ‘what’ and the ‘why’, but the Universe is in charge of the ‘when’, ‘where’ and the ‘how’. Don’t get in your own way.

4. You’re too attached to the goal.

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I know, I know, it sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s true – if you are too attached to something, you actually block the Universe from delivering it.

Let me give you an example. Some years ago I was so desperately unhappy about being single that I became completely and utterly fixated on my relationship status, terrified I would never meet my soulmate. Instead of using that as impetus to get myself emotionally ready for a relationship, and work through the barriers I was actually putting up against it – which would have been a much more productive use of my time than worrying – I became obsessed with the idea of being in a relationship, to the point where I couldn’t conceive of any life that didn’t involve that outcome. Around this point I went to a seminar by Sydney meditation teacher Tom Cronin, who talked about the art of non-attachment. He’d put an intention of making a documentary out to the Universe, then let that intention go. He did not return to that goal each day and reaffirm how much he wanted it. He kept plugging away at making it happen in a practical way, but did not make that goal his be-all and end-all. He wanted it, but he wasn’t sending out the ‘I NEED this’ vibes.

When I heard this story I was confused – how could anyone let go of something they wanted so badly?! It was much later that I finally understood: if your desire is so intense that you’re becoming obsessive about it, you’re interfering with the Universe’s flow. It was only when I stopped fixating on a relationship and started focusing on enjoying my life, building up my business and improving my relationship with myself (including healing my energetic blocks around connection), the soulmate relationship came through. Essentially, I was taking action steps towards my goal without being over-attached to it. In fact, by the time I’d met my now-partner, I didn’t really care too much whether a long-term relationship between us developed or not. Of course, I wanted to spend more time with him, but I trusted that the Universe would take care of the bigger-picture ‘how this will play out’ stuff. It was a very different headspace from the days when I would go on one date then lose interest because I couldn’t see myself marrying that person in the future!

In short: it’s not about not wanting something, it’s about not having an ‘I must have this or I will fall apart’ energy around it.

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5. You want something that isn’t right for you.

Oh boy, this is a big one. When you ask for something, the Universe has three possible answers:

·      Yes

·      Not yet

·      I have something better in mind.

Trouble is, if what you asked for is taking its sweet-ass time appearing, it’s hard to know whether you fit into the middle or the last category. I wish I had an easy formula to help people decipher whether they need to wait it out or whether they’re barking up the wrong damn tree. Unfortunately, I don’t (sorry).

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There are a couple of things you could try. You could ask the Universe for a sign that you should continue with what you’re doing (more information on signs here). I would also recommend you do some self-reflection on whether you’re getting in your own way (see points three or four) – in particular, it’s important to make sure you’re not trying to control the process or force things to happen on your schedule. You could also seek out the help of an energy healer like myself* to make sure you’re not blocking the goal through your own fears or limiting beliefs, particularly if you’re holding a lot of past pain in that area.

If it is time to walk away from a goal, your intuition will tell you. Usually, we know on some level when we’re reaching for something that truly doesn’t serve us – but it can take a bit of time to fully accept that . For more information on identifying the voice of your intuition, read this post.

*If you’d like to work with me to manifest your goals and clear any energetic blocks (including deep-seated fears and limiting beliefs) that might be getting in your way, contact me about energy healing sessions here.

The story so far: how One Grounded Angel was born

One of the questions I get asked from time to time is: “When did you know you could communicate with angels?” I wish I had a dramatic story to share, but unfortunately I don’t. I haven’t had a near-death experience. There was no lightning-bolt moment where I suddenly knew I had the ability to tap into the angelic realm. Mine was a very slow spiritual awakening, and it took years before I trusted that what I was sensing was legit. And it’s only been very recently that I’ve developed the confidence to pass those messages on to others. Here’s how it played out…

By the way, this story is kinda long, so you might wanna put the kettle on and make yourself comfortable. Take off your pants if you want to. (Actually on second thoughts, please don’t do that. I feel weird about it.)

When I was 25 and working for a major national magazine in Sydney, the editor introduced an angel card column, where readers could send in questions which would be answered by Doreen Virtue, who at the time was regarded as an expert on angel communication. Although I was vaguely aware of the concept of angels before this, they seemed like mythical figures to me. But my curiosity was piqued and I sent in a question of my own, which Doreen answered with startling accuracy. 

(Above: Me at Newgrange tomb, Ireland 2007)

Two years later I was travelling overseas when I noticed a deck of Doreen’s angel cards in the window of a Dublin bookstore. On a whim, I forked out about 15 euros and took the cards home to Auckland with me. I started drawing a card whenever I encountered a problem and even though they didn’t always help me resolve things (in hindsight, because I wasn’t listening properly) they were always reassuring.

In late 2013, living back in Auckland, I was going through a low period in my life, feeling stuck, when I saw a Facebook post from Doreen saying she would be leading an Angel Intuitive workshop on the Sunshine Coast in Australia. I was looking for something to bring me hope, and I needed to get out of town. I booked flights and told my friends I was on a “meditation retreat” as I didn’t want them to think I was a weirdo. (I’m pretty sure they’re well aware, haha.)

Doreen’s workshop was awesome and it really taught me how to identify and trust the messages of my intuition. I met lots of normal people who communicate with angels. Yes there was a significant portion of the stereotypical New Age types, but connecting with people who dressed and spoke just like me made me realise talking to angels was for everyone, not something reserved for a certain type of person.

It was during this workshop that someone gave me a reading telling me I needed to move back to Sydney. I was annoyed. I did not want to move back to a city I thought I was done with. But, as often happens in angel card readings, it hit a nerve. I realised I was miserable in Auckland. Plus, I’d known for some time I’d needed to move on, because I’d been getting the ‘move’ card in my own readings for the previous few weeks but hadn’t really wanted to face it.

(Above: Leaving Auckland)

I sat on the decision for several weeks. I knew the move was right for me but I was scared of starting over – particularly since I thought there was nothing ‘wrong’ with my life. (This was a lie I had been telling myself because I didn’t want to overhaul my life – more about that in this post.) It was an agonising decision. Wanting a neutral perspective I went to an angel card reader in Auckland, the wonderful Melissa Bult-Burns. Even though I draw daily cards for myself, I always book Melissa to do readings on the bigger-perspective stuff – it helps to hear the messages relayed by someone who can be objective. She confirmed that if I moved to Sydney my life would transform dramatically. Incidentally, I still have a picture of the cards she drew for me, and everything she pointed out has come to pass. 

After moving to Sydney in April 2014 I continued doing my own angel card readings, and my intuition was starting to nudge me towards the idea that working with the angels would be part of my life purpose. To that end, in November I flew down to Melbourne for another workshop, at which I became a Certified Angel Card Reader. Still I had no plans to read cards for people professionally. At this workshop a card reading indicated I had strong energy healing abilities and would do well to train in something like reiki. The card reader showed me, in a really simple way, how to run energy, and I was amazed by how much heat was coming through my hands. This was encouraging.

(Are you still with me? Kudos if you’ve managed to read this far. We’re almost there!)

At this workshop I also got messages from two separate people that I needed to be using my writing talents to help people. The angels were indicating that my struggle to find meaning in life would resonate with others, and that I needed to chronicle that in a written form. Sceptical but willing to take a chance, I came home and started this blog. I did not want to give the blog my own name because no one can spell it (lol). So I chose the name One Grounded Angel to separate myself from the other spiritual noise out there. I wanted to talk about spirituality in realistic terms, with a good dash of humour. My mission was to empower people – without judgment, preaching or rules – to connect with their hearts and souls in whatever way feels right for them. I’m not saying I’m nailing this every time but I’d like to think I’m at least on the right track. I also didn’t want to present myself as any type of authority, so I went with the prefix ‘One’ rather than ‘The Grounded Angel’.

I told no one about my blog at first – I was too worried about being judged. My online following happened organically, and I have no idea how people found me in those early days. As always, the angels were right – my themes seem to have resonated with some of you. It’s certainly helped me, in just about every area of my life.

As with all stories, the best is yet to come. It’s the same for you, by the way – none of us knows how our stories will play out. The most important thing is that if you want a bigger, more meaningful life, you have to start a new narrative. None of this was planned, but all of this is perfect.

Don’t focus on the ending – just start. 

Thank you for joining me on this journey  xx

Speak your truth - the way you use your words is so important. This is how the throat chakra works

When you were a kid, did your mum often utter these fateful words? “This is the last time I’ll warn you about this!”  And did she follow through on that threat? 

When our words and actions don’t match up, that can signify an imbalance in the throat chakra, which is the energy centre concerned with communication. 

Spiritually, our words are very important because they connect us to the Universe, so making sure we don’t misuse them can really help us create the life we dream of. Essentially, what we say is a direct reflection of who we are and what we want. And if we can’t express ourselves well, that will adversely affect our relationships too.

While the base chakra’s adversary is fear and the heart chakra faces up to grief, the throat chakra’s challenge is lies. That’s because this energy centre is about how our words align (or not) with what we really mean.

Obviously speech is important when it comes to the throat chakra, but so is listening – which is a major component in healthy relationships, because when you think about it, all any human being really wants is to be heard. If you deny someone that right, ideally you would have a good reason (perhaps their words are detrimental to you, for example). 

When this chakra is in balance, you’re able to ask for what you want without apologising for it. You don’t need to yell or use a lot of words when you communicate with people. You listen – really listen! – to people instead of mentally preparing your response while they are still speaking.

The most common way an imbalance in this chakra shows up is when your words don’t match up with your behaviour – you don’t pay people when you say you will, you don’t ring them when you said you would... that type of thing. 

People who are deficient in the throat chakra might demonstrate these attributes:

* They can’t say no to anyone, even when they really want to

* They never say what they really think

* They have a quiet voice or an uncertain tone

* They give mixed messages (which is why nothing in their lives works out the way they want it to).

People who have excessive energy in the throat chakra might exhibit these qualities:

*They interrupt and talk over people

* They talk too much, for too long, and repeat themselves constantly

* They gossip regularly

(Image: the throat chakra symbol)

* They use bullying and overly critical words

* They are uncomfortable with silence.

To bring the throat chakra into balance, practise actively listening. If the energy in your throat chakra is deficient, finding ways to express your truth, such as journalling, can be beneficial. It if is excessive, undertaking periods of silence is said to help your throat chakra greatly.

Also, this sounds weird, but singing is actually really good for clearing the throat chakra, because it helps you find your voice. For yoga devotees, shoulder stands and plough pose target the throat chakra. 

If you’d like to work with me to heal any of the issues in this article, you can book energy healing sessions here. More information about how I work is available here.