What to do when you're not hitting your goals

(Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash)

New year, new you, right? Not so much. Many of us feel inspired to make drastic changes when the calendar ticks over to another year, only to wind up frustrated when we fail to hit those epic goals. So why does that happen? From an energy healer’s perspective, here are some of the factors that may be adversely affecting your progress…

1 You don’t believe you’ll be successful

(Photo by Glen Carrie on Unsplash)

It’s very difficult to hit a target you can’t see… even more so when the reason you can’t see it is because you don’t really believe it’s there. Self-belief is super important when it comes to using energy to manifest goals. If you want to buy a house but you’ve adopted your cynical great-uncle’s belief that there’s not any affordable property options out there, that’s going to be a massive problem. I’m not advocating for total avoidance of reality – if the economy’s tough, it’s tough – instead, acceptance of how things are while also holding space for the Universe to bring through possibilities that seem impossible. In other words, trusting you can get a good outcome, even though you can’t yet see how.

Sometimes these underlying fears and beliefs can be sneaky and you might not realise they’re there, so it’s a good idea to really think about whether fear is showing up for you.

2 You’re self-sabotaging due to limiting fears

‘Self-sabotage’ is a term that gets bandied about a lot in self-help circles, and it’s a term I’m wary about. It kinda implies someone is deliberately ruining their life, but my experience, deliberate sabotage is rarely the case. It is, however, entirely possible you’re inadvertently hindering your own progress – even though it’s probably the last thing you want to do. Often, there’s a limiting fear playing out in your subconscious. For example, if your goal is to manifest a long-term relationship but you keep hooking up with people who have zero long-term potential, there could be a fear around rejection lodged deep in your energy, which leads you to abandon your own goals lest your fear should come to pass. That’s just one example, but it does illustrate how we can get in our own way sometimes – not through lack of knowledge, but fear. (For more information on the role of limiting beliefs in relationships, read this.)

(Photo by Hadis Malekie on Unsplash)

3 You’re aiming for something you don’t actually want

Recently I posted on Instagram this quote from meditation expert Megan Monahan: “Until you get really clear about what YOU want, you’re destined to eavesdrop on others’ desires and chase them as if they were your own.” In that post, I described how being bullied in my primary-school years likely contributed to my long-term pattern of trying to fit in with others (a survival tactic designed to avoid attracting adverse attention). Up until recent years, I still found myself making choices purely because they looked mainstream (and, therefore, safe), even if those choices weren’t actually right for me. Case in point: my career path. When I started out in journalism, I had my sights set on becoming a magazine editor, because that was the trajectory all my peers were on. Eventually I realised that such a management role would take me away from what I loved (ie writing), and wouldn’t have made me happy at all. I felt a little embarrassed to admit I was no aspiring to any glittery job title on my career path, but gradually I came to a place of self-acceptance with that – not an easy thing to do in a competitive world.

If you’re struggling to hit a particular goal, have a think about whether that outcome is actually right for you, or whether you’ve simply fixed on it because that’s what everyone around you is doing.

The thing is, if you don’t really want the thing you’re aiming at, it’ll be hard to get momentum because you’re essentially sending the Universe mixed messages – you’re reaching for something and rejecting it at the same time.

(Photo by Cathryn Lavery on Unsplash)

4 You don’t really know what you want

Oh boy, this is a tough one. If you’re a people-pleaser, or you’ve been doing what society expects of you (as discussed in the previous section), you’re probably struggling to discern what you *actually* want to do. That may mean you keep jumping around from project to project, either procrastinating heavily or abandoning each idea quickly, without getting a sense of completion. That is totally OK to do, by the way, and isn’t a sign of failure (I wrote an article about that here). However if you *do* want to bring something to completion but you’re finding you’re not able to apply yourself for long, it could be that, deep down, you don’t actually know what you want and so you’re jumping into any shiny car that passes you, without letting your intuition guide you on the destination you truly desire. 

Working out what you want can take time to discern. Firstly, I recommend making time for self-reflection (as my very wise spiritual coach Michelle Capper-Fay once told me: without self-reflection there can be no growth). Spend some time alone – sans phone, kids or other distractions – writing notes about what you’re passionate about, what gives you a sense of purpose and what you value in life. That may give you some insight into the best direction for you. Working with a career coach may also provide some clarity.

(Photo by Tachina Lee on Unsplash)

5 You’ve overinvested in the goal.

This is something that applies to the big-scale goals you’ve got (eg aiming to run a successful not-for-profit organisation) rather than the more immediate plans (eg aiming to run in the New York Marathon). It sounds totally counter-intuitive, but if you want something so badly that your fixation is bordering on obsession, that’s leaving the Universe no room to send in energy to support you. Being overattached isn’t healthy, as it means you’ve yoked your sense of identity and value to the result you want (ruh-roh). That means you’re trying to control the process too much, and that will block the perfect outcome – which may or may not be in alignment with your definition – to come through from the Universe. Let go and allow some breathing space.

In situations like this, channelling your energy into something else can be helpful. In this post, I talk about how I was only able to manifest a long-term relationship when I stopped focusing on it and put all my energy into developing my spiritual business instead – the improved self-awareness and confidence I gained from that shifted me from a space of ‘a relationship is the most defining factor in my life’ to ‘as long as I am growing and learning, everything else will flow as it needs to’. In other words, it helped me let go and let the Universe take the wheel.

*If any of these beliefs or issues resonate with you, talk to me about how energy healing can help you break through blocks and attract what you want.

Why is The Universe testing me?

(Photo by Zack Minor on Unsplash)

If you grew up in a religious household you may have been told as a child that when things go wrong, it’s because God is testing you. I got this a lot when I was a kid. To my young mind, it wasn’t particularly helpful. It was never clear to me what the test was, what I’d done wrong to deserve it or what I needed to change in order to ‘pass’ this supposed test.

Even without the religious overtones, there are plenty of adults who believe that when we encounter challenges it’s because the Universe is throwing down some sort of challenge or test. I sometimes hear versions of this statement: ‘the Universe must be testing me’, or ‘I guess God/the Universe doesn’t want me to rent this house/get promoted/find love [insert relevant circumstance]’. It’s true that sometimes things pass us by because they aren’t right for us, but it’s not true that the Universe would deliberately send you crappy situations to challenge your willpower or your faith.

(Photo by Belle Collective on Unsplash)

My spiritual coach Michelle Capper-Fay once told me: ‘The Universe isn’t testing us, it’s only responding to us’. That means the situations you attract are a reflection of what’s going on within you*. That might sound somewhat depressing, but it’s actually pretty awesome – because it means you’ve got the power to turn things around.

Here’s an example. People often come to see me because they want to attract healthy long-term relationships, but instead, they find they are attracting people who might keep disappearing on them or who perhaps aren’t ready for a serious relationship. It’s tempting to make excuses for each of these people – they had a nasty divorce, a crappy upbringing or they’ve got a really stressful job, perhaps – but it actually doesn’t matter why they’re not the right fit for you. As writer Reema Zaman says: ‘Men aren’t riddles for you to solve.’ (Obviously this applies to women, too.) It’s not about them, it’s about you. The question to ask yourself is not: ‘why is this person behaving this way?’ The more helpful question is this: ‘what is it within me that has seen me attract this situation?’ You can’t fix other people but you can absolutely work through your own issues to ensure you’re not attracting things that are wrong for you from the get-go. (For more information on attracting healthy relationships, read this article.)

According to the law of attraction, ‘like’ attracts ‘like’, which means that people tend to attract people who reflect their fears in some way, magnet-style. So in the relationship example, it’s a good idea to do some self-reflection and ask how the other person’s behaviour reflects or confirms what’s going on within you. If, for example, on a deep level you don’t believe that you are worthy of love, you may attract people who keep withholding it from you, or who will leave you to affirm (in your mind) that you’re not good enough.  

(Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash)

In this episode of Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations podcast, spiritual author Gary Zukav puts it like this: “You’re always sending messages, and every message you send has got the same address on it. It says ‘return to sender’ and what is coming back to you is not just the action but the intention of love or the intention of fear… You are responsible for the consequences you create. You cannot flunk the Earth School – it’s impossible. Everything that happens to you, happens to assist your spiritual development.”

Here are some ways we can inadvertently send ourselves situations we don’t want:

·      Negative mindset: If you believe, in the words of Adam Sandler from The Wedding Singer, that ‘love stinks’, good luck attracting a healthy relationship. Equally, if you believe that nothing good ever happens to you, then you may struggle to attract good outcomes, such as promotions and lifestyle opportunities, etc. It’s important to have positive expectations – or, at least, not have barriers against hope. Having a positive mindset doesn’t mean believing everything is wonderful when it really truly is not, it just means acknowledging the reality of your situation while holding space for something better to come through down the track.

·      Limiting beliefs: If you are terrified that you aren’t good enough for that job you want, it’s going to be really hard for you to manifest it. We all have insecurities, of course, but if your self-worth is so low that you don’t believe you deserve the situation you want, or that there will be consequences or some sort of negative exposure if you get it, you’ll attract something well beneath that**.

(Photo by Anthony Ginsbrook on Unsplash)

·      Unhealed energy: When we endure any trauma – bullying and rejection, for example – that forms a wound in our energy field, which means we’ll energetically repel any situation where there’s a risk of a similar trauma occurring (even if that risk is low or even imagined). We can also take on board traumas or fears from our parents without consciously realising it. And sometimes those traumas have happened in past lives, which means an energy healer or past-life regression therapist is required**.

·      Lack of direction: You can’t hit a target you haven’t set. In this article, I wrote about the common reasons that we can end up with something that doesn’t match what we want, including not setting clear intentions. Drifting through life hoping things get better without your intervention is not a particularly effective life plan.

Look, I know that examining where we’re getting stuck is not a particularly pleasant process, but the thing about transformation is that you have to be deeply uncomfortable first – that’s kind of the deal with being human. As author Liz Gilbert says: ‘I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.’

* Obviously there are some extreme situations which are exceptions to this.

**If you want help breaking through these patterns and energetic blocks, talk to me about energy healing.

When the Universe isn’t giving you what you want…

(Photo by Icons8 team on Unsplash)

Have you ever gone to a restaurant and been served a meal that isn’t at all what you ordered? A similar thing sometimes happens with the Universe when it comes to our goals and wishes – only, there’s no wait staff to help you sort it out. You might, for example, have asked the Universe to help you meet your soulmate, but instead you keep meeting people who are blowing hot and cold. Or you put in a request for greater abundance, but your bank balance stays depressingly the same. In situations like this, it’s tempting to become furious with the Universe (been there!) – or worse, to quit spirituality entirely out of the belief it must be BS (yep, been there too!). But before you go down that road, it’s worth considering whether maybe the problem was you. Yep, there are a few ways we accidentally block ourselves from manifesting our goals. You might not have put in a clear order, for example, or you maybe didn’t play your part in bringing the goal to fruition. And sometimes, you’re asking for something that simply isn’t right for you… but we’ll get to that.

Let’s take a deep dive into my top five reasons your reality might not be matching your intentions.

(Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash)

1. You didn’t play your part.

If there’s something you really want to create in your life – or manifest, if you want to use the cool kids’ terminology – the first step is to ask for it. Unfortunately, some of the messaging around the law of attraction has made it seem like this is ALL you have to do (I’m looking at you, The Secret!), but what I’ve learned about the way energy works is that everything you create is in partnership with the Universe. And that means you have to play your part, instead of just leaving it up to the divine. Once you’ve set your goal, start taking action steps towards it, which gives the Universe something to anchor energy onto. Simples.

(Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash)

2. Your intentions were muddy.

Let’s revisit that restaurant scenario again (because I do love to flog a metaphor). If you’re dining out and you’re really vague about what you want, you’ll either get served nothing or you’ll get anything but what you wanted. You can’t hit a target you haven’t set. It sounds obvious, but it’s surprising how many people don’t get this: you must have clarity about what you want. That doesn’t mean you need to have all the details mapped out (in fact, it’s better if you don’t), but you do need to have a clear idea of where you want to end up. For example: “I want to live somewhere nice” doesn’t really give the Universe a lot to work with, but “I want to buy a house at the top of a hill with a massive verandah surrounded by trees in Far North Queensland” is much more direct.

It’s important to spend time in self-reflection really honing in on what you want to co-create with the Universe. Some people use a vision board for this process. Personally, I’m not a very visual person, so that idea doesn’t resonate for me. What I do is journal about the feelings that having that goal will give me – which really helps me call in my vision on an energetic level. 

3. The solution didn’t match your expectations.

(Photo by Christian Dubovan on Unsplash)

You asked for more money, and expected that to show up in the form of a pay rise. That didn’t happen, and now you’re annoyed AF. Your sister offered you a loan, but hell no, you ain’t taking her money!

Not so fast, buddy. Here’s the deal: if you’re declining something you wanted because it didn’t take the form you wanted, that’s a mistake. When you set a goal, you need to be open to how it shows up – and remember that the Universe often works through other people. When it comes to goals, you are in charge of the ‘what’ and the ‘why’, but the Universe is in charge of the ‘when’, ‘where’ and the ‘how’. Don’t get in your own way.

4. You’re too attached to the goal.

(Photo by Abigail Keenan on Unsplash)

I know, I know, it sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s true – if you are too attached to something, you actually block the Universe from delivering it.

Let me give you an example. Some years ago I was so desperately unhappy about being single that I became completely and utterly fixated on my relationship status, terrified I would never meet my soulmate. Instead of using that as impetus to get myself emotionally ready for a relationship, and work through the barriers I was actually putting up against it – which would have been a much more productive use of my time than worrying – I became obsessed with the idea of being in a relationship, to the point where I couldn’t conceive of any life that didn’t involve that outcome. Around this point I went to a seminar by Sydney meditation teacher Tom Cronin, who talked about the art of non-attachment. He’d put an intention of making a documentary out to the Universe, then let that intention go. He did not return to that goal each day and reaffirm how much he wanted it. He kept plugging away at making it happen in a practical way, but did not make that goal his be-all and end-all. He wanted it, but he wasn’t sending out the ‘I NEED this’ vibes.

When I heard this story I was confused – how could anyone let go of something they wanted so badly?! It was much later that I finally understood: if your desire is so intense that you’re becoming obsessive about it, you’re interfering with the Universe’s flow. It was only when I stopped fixating on a relationship and started focusing on enjoying my life, building up my business and improving my relationship with myself (including healing my energetic blocks around connection), the soulmate relationship came through. Essentially, I was taking action steps towards my goal without being over-attached to it. In fact, by the time I’d met my now-partner, I didn’t really care too much whether a long-term relationship between us developed or not. Of course, I wanted to spend more time with him, but I trusted that the Universe would take care of the bigger-picture ‘how this will play out’ stuff. It was a very different headspace from the days when I would go on one date then lose interest because I couldn’t see myself marrying that person in the future!

In short: it’s not about not wanting something, it’s about not having an ‘I must have this or I will fall apart’ energy around it.

(Photo by Djim Loic on Unsplash)

5. You want something that isn’t right for you.

Oh boy, this is a big one. When you ask for something, the Universe has three possible answers:

·      Yes

·      Not yet

·      I have something better in mind.

Trouble is, if what you asked for is taking its sweet-ass time appearing, it’s hard to know whether you fit into the middle or the last category. I wish I had an easy formula to help people decipher whether they need to wait it out or whether they’re barking up the wrong damn tree. Unfortunately, I don’t (sorry).

(Photo by Ana Tavares on Unsplash)

There are a couple of things you could try. You could ask the Universe for a sign that you should continue with what you’re doing (more information on signs here). I would also recommend you do some self-reflection on whether you’re getting in your own way (see points three or four) – in particular, it’s important to make sure you’re not trying to control the process or force things to happen on your schedule. You could also seek out the help of an energy healer like myself* to make sure you’re not blocking the goal through your own fears or limiting beliefs, particularly if you’re holding a lot of past pain in that area.

If it is time to walk away from a goal, your intuition will tell you. Usually, we know on some level when we’re reaching for something that truly doesn’t serve us – but it can take a bit of time to fully accept that . For more information on identifying the voice of your intuition, read this post.

*If you’d like to work with me to manifest your goals and clear any energetic blocks (including deep-seated fears and limiting beliefs) that might be getting in your way, contact me about energy healing sessions here.

If manifesting isn't working out for you, this might be why

With so many angel card messages lately urging us to set intentions to manifest what we want in our lives, I thought I’d write about how we sometimes block our dreams from coming true by wanting them too much.

Wait, what?

Bear with me. I *know* that sounds counter-intuitive. How can you want something too much? I mean, no one would set a goal for something they didn’t really want, right?

The problem is that when we want something so much that we devote all our focus to it, we don’t give the Universe enough space to make it happen for us –  and that messes up all the good energy we’re trying to send out. We get in our own way. We try to force it before the time is right, jumping on every opening that seems like it could possibly be the way forward, instead of pausing to let our intuition guide us. We might pursue business opportunities that don't suit us and chase potential romantic partners who aren’t that into us. Speaking of romance, my own love life is a case in point: I believe that I only got the relationship I’d yearned for after I had stopped looking for it. I had not given up on love, I had just given up the search for it (for the record, love is not something you find. It finds you... when the time is right).

There is such a thing as being too attached to something. If we idealise how we want our lives to look, we may become tunnel-visioned and not realise that the Universe is showing us a better way. The problem is not the wanting of said thing, it’s the clinging to said thing.

This isn’t just a trick to play on ourselves so we don’t get too disappointed if something doesn’t work out, BTW.

When we ask the Universe for something, there are only three possible answers it gives:

·         * Yes
* Not yet  
             *  I have something better in mind

Here’s an example. Last year I was completely fixated on my goal of making my reiki practice work. It was haemorrhaging money, and I exhausted every avenue my Mastermind group and I could think of to attract the clientele the business needed. I sensed I’d made a misstep in opening a business without establishing a client base first, but I was in too deep and I felt I couldn’t just walk away (flogging dead horses has always been a hobby of mine, lol). I was so obsessed with making it work that I’d staked my sense of self-worth on the success of the venture, so that when it inevitably failed, I felt like I was the failure. Not exactly a healthy approach.

I’ve already written about my struggles with that resulting sense of failure (read that post here) but here’s a brief summary of what went wrong (or right, depending on your perspective): the Universe was trying to steer me in a different direction, but I hadn’t been listening. Because I was too attached to how *I* thought it should happen.

A lot of spiritual experts encourage people to emotionally invest in their goals, which is all well and good, but if we are *too* attached to our visions, we can overlook cues from our intuition that there might be a better way – or that what we want simply isn’t right for us at that point in our lives.

Lesson learned. Now when I set goals and intentions, I ask the Universe for help, then let them go. Your move, Universe.

Of course the Universe always responds to action (you should never be passive about your goals), but there’s only so far you can go before you’ve got to get out of your own way. Surrendering to the Universe is the only option – and the Universe is, after all, better at organising things than you are. 

This has worked brilliantly for me in recent weeks. One of my aims was to get a regular spiritual column in a publication. To solidify that intention, I focused on the euphoric feeling of having such a gig that would beautifully marry my two career streams of spiritual guidance and journalism (hint: the Universe loves it when we attach emotions to our intentions). I contacted a few editors, but heard nothing back. Then I pretty much forgot about it. I didn’t give up, I just knew there was nothing more I could do to bring the column into being. I knew that if it was meant to happen, it would. 

And, almost 12 months later, it has.

A few weeks ago, a former co-worker put me in touch with a commissioning editor who was looking for a monthly spiritual column on her magazine’s website. After some discussions, we arrived at a formula, I wrote my first piece, and it’s just gone live. I’m thrilled. I’m aware that it might not work out long-term... but then again, it just might. Either way, I’m happy. Because as much as I wanted this opportunity and am enjoying it, I didn’t *need* it.

That’s the best way I can sum up non-attachment: wanting but not needing. It’s a pretty helpful strategy to keep in mind. Except for when it comes to nachos, which I both want and need on the reg, obviously.

Rising up when it all falls apart – the difference between failing and being a failure

This week I will hand back the keys to the practice where I’ve been offering reiki treatments. Long-time readers of my blog may remember that 12 months ago, I took a massive leap of faith and committed to a one-year lease on a room at a health and wellbeing practice here in Sydney. I planned to offer reiki treatments two days a week (read that blog post here), and hoped that I could grow a client base and eventually make this, combined with my angel card reading service, a career alternative. It was a big financial risk… and it has not, unfortunately, paid off. The very worst result that could have happened – the one I was most afraid of – has indeed happened. And I’m OK with that. Now.

For a long time I was not OK. In February it became apparent that my business was not working. That, on top of a (temporary but prolonged) drought in my primary source of income, plunged me into a state of despair... not to mention debt.

When I realised there was nothing I could do but watch money flow down the drain until my commercial lease ran out, the sense of disappointment was immense. I had lovingly stacked my hopes and dreams, along with significant sums of money, into this business, and it had not worked. I had wholeheartedly trusted that having faith was enough to make my dreams come true... and I was wrong. I couldn’t not see this failure as an indictment on my skills and my worth. The failure of my business felt like proof that I was a failure as a person. My inner bully’s cries of “I knew you’d fuck it up!” were deafening.

Business leaders around the world consistently describe the experience of losing everything as integral to shaping their success. JK Rowling famously had her Harry Potter manuscripts rejected 12 times. “I was the biggest failure I knew,” she said. When Bloomsbury Publishing took a punt and printed her first three books, it warned her not to quit her day job. As we all know, Joanne went on to achieve stratospheric levels of success. Yet on 12 previous occasions, she had failed. It was not her moment to shine… until it was. The Universe has a schedule all its own.

Failure is a blistering, heavy word. The most unhelpful thing anyone said to me when I was coming to realise things were not turning out as I’d hoped was: “Just think positive – it’ll all work out.” Please, never say this to someone going through a significant challenge. It implies they’re not trying hard enough, that a lack of faith is the cause of their struggle and that getting what they want is a mere case of wishing for it (a wildly inaccurate interpretation of the law of attraction). So, so unhelpful.

What *was* helpful for me as I licked my wounds was reframing the situation. There’s a difference between failing and being a failure. The former means I haven’t had success yet; the latter indicates I am flawed on a personal level. Once I understood the distinction between the two – and stopped beating myself up – I found my way to a space of acceptance. Instead of seeing myself as incompetent I was (eventually) able to depersonalise the experience, and recognise failure as a necessary step in my development. Brene Brown says: “Failure is an imperfect word because the minute you learn from it, it ceases to be a failure.” 

Although the Universe didn’t meet me halfway on this business plan, it did issue me with an invitation to grow. Learn from this, and you’ll become more resilient. Learn from this, and you’ll navigate future obstacles better. Learn from this, and new doors will open up to you, opportunities better than you could have scripted. The secret of life, as Paulo Coelho expressed so exquisitely in The Alchemist, is to fall down seven times and get up eight.

There are all sorts of reasons why my reiki practice likely didn’t fire. It could have been the wrong area. It could have been (and most likely was) simply the wrong timing. It was 100 per cent not lack of skills nor lack of effort on my part. I know that I could not have put anything more into that business. I have no regrets… now.

So when I take my certificates off the wall and push my business cards through the shredder, I will remember the difference between failing and being a failure. I will remind myself that I am not defined or diminished by this disappointment. And as I let go of my expectations I will hold space for shiny new opportunities. 

Your move, Universe.