The year 2015 – it was good for me. Was it good for you?

Tis the season for an onslaught of New Year ‘Imma change everything’ status updates and extreme healthy eating promises that will be long forgotten by February.

I’m guilty of the same.

Almost every year, an editor will commission me to write a feature about how people can make their New Year resolutions last, and I dutifully interview an expert who will utter proclamations about goals that are ‘achievable’, ‘realistic’ and ‘meaningful’ – great guidelines that I never take on board myself. Every December I find myself taking stock of my life and making plans for how I can improve myself. And every December I find myself reaching more or less the same conclusion: the most significant changes in the year were the ones I did not intend to happen. The significant growth I’ve made this year has been a byproduct rather than a direct result of any actions I took.

Here were my nine (wait, what?!) goals for 2015, and an assessment of how they went:

LEARN REIKI. I did it! I’m now a fully qualified (and practising) reiki practitioner.

One Grounded Angel's display at the Festival Of Dreams.

BUILD MY BLOG WITH THREE POSTS A WEEK. I started off well, but by about June I realised how demanding this was, and I pulled back to once or twice a week, which I’ve maintained successfully. But the blog has definitely grown steadily, along with my social media audience, so I’m calling this a win.

MORE FUN. Having realised how out of balance my life was, I decided to lock in one fun activity a month. This is the sad reality of being a busy adult – fun has to be scheduled. This started off brilliantly. I went indoor trampolining. I hired a bike and rode along an unfamiliar stretch of coastline. I said yes to weekends away with people I did not know. I used my tax refund to book a trip to New York (finally!). But when the weather got colder I stopped making this a priority. It’ll be a focus for 2016 too, but in a less regimented format.

DO YOGA ONCE A WEEK. I kept this up for most of the year – and really benefited from it – until I went on holiday in August and never really went back. I want to commit to this again.

DO MORE PROFESSIONAL ANGEL CARD READINGS. Nailed it.

WRITE TWO SHORT STORIES (FICTION). I wrote one (which isn’t too shabby) and started another (which had good framework but I lost enthusiasm for it). I’d like to at least get this partial story completed. Not for the story itself but because the process of making time for creativity benefits me on so many levels.

I made it to New York! Here I am at the Empire State Building.

GET THREE WORTHY FEATURES PUBLISHED. I set this goal because the stories I’d been writing (for work) were mediocre, and I wanted to write stories that align with my overarching goal of purpose of helping people live more meaningful lives. I managed to do two features that fit this goal, and have been commissioned to write for another in 2016. A partial win.

DO MORE VOLUNTEER WORK. Fail. I have continued volunteering at a retirement home one Saturday a week but did not take on anything extra. This is also worth revisiting in 2016.

IMPROVE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MYSELF. I set this goal because my self-esteem was stupidly low, and I knew that the only way I could improve my relationships with others was to improve my relationship with myself. Initially I had a goal to write down two things I liked about myself at the end of the day and put them into a jar. This lasted about three months before I lost interest in this project. Then I set out to say three uplifting affirmations to myself in the mirror every morning, but this, too, fell by the wayside (is anyone else seeing a pattern here?!).

New Year's Day 2015.

Even though I abandoned this last resolution, I think it’s the area in which I’ve grown most – and that happened when I focused on other things. I took a risk and started a new business which required me to back myself, and to stand out as a healer (which was an uncomfortable but rewarding experience). I made an effort to build friendships instead of hiding myself away due to fear of rejection. I did work on forgiving myself for choices I’ve made in the past and forgiving others that have hurt me, which helped me find peace. I made a conscious effort, towards the end of the year, to embrace my individuality instead of constantly comparing myself to others and feeling like a failure because I do not have the things that they have (or appear to have – and I still have more work to do in this area). All of these things have helped bring me to a point of friendship with myself. That is my lasting legacy of 2015. And as I think about my goals for 2016, I’m more aware that whether I succeed or fail at them won’t much matter. Yes it’s important to extend myself and deepen my connection with my soul, my people and my work, but the growth is what happens in the spaces between. 

I’m going home. All I want for Christmas is… peace

In a recent post I talked about the tension and pain that can occur at family gatherings over the holiday period. This post is on a similar theme. It’s about returning to your hometown, which I’m about to do, and how that can stir up a complicated mix of memories that be both comforting and confronting.

Geographical places carry vibrations all their own. This is why you can visit a location and instantly feel at home there, while other cities leave you cold or feeling on guard.

I have great affection for the town I grew up in. I could not live there again – it’s too small for me, and I get bored there – but I love returning and immersing myself in its sleepy, beachy vibe. It’s the place where my internal compass resets to true north. Of course it helps that many of my favourite humans and dogs reside there.

However, many of my other favourite humans live in a city that raises my heart rate for all the wrong reasons. This place makes me feel on edge. I lived there for 11 years, all up, but never felt a connection with it. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this city. In fact, there’s a lot that’s right with it. It boasts beautiful coastlines, wide skies and expansive parks. But it just never felt right for me. Living there was like putting on a coat every morning that didn’t sit right on my shoulders and didn’t hang close enough to keep me warm. Although I made some wonderful friends in my time there, I never felt like I truly belonged in that city.

I am nervous about returning to this place over the Christmas period because the last two years that I lived there, I was miserable. It is difficult for me to separate my feelings about all that is great about this city from the way it made me feel (not that I’m blaming the city for that!).  When I go back there, my past sadness tugs at my sleeves. It’s a weighty, intangible thing that bounces between the volcanoes, striking an echo only I can hear. I’ve visited only once since I moved to Sydney, and although I loved catching up with friends and was sad to say goodbye to them, I could not wait to leave.

This time I have planned my trip to make sure that peace, not unease, is my overall experience. I fly in close to Christmas so that I can head straight to my hometown. I have limited the amount of time I spend in the city after Christmas and am making sure I only catch up with people who I truly want to see, as opposed to people I feel obliged to see. This time around, there are no big gatherings at pubs or cafes. I am only seeing people on a one-to-one basis, mostly at their homes or at beaches, where we can have solid conversations and actually connect.

Of course there will still be some encounters that leave me feeling uncomfortable. You cannot, after all, edit experiences – life is not an Instagram feed (unfortunately). The past is a nice place to visit but you cannot stay there. And I think that’s for the best. 

I wish you peace this holiday period. Wherever you go, whoever you see, I hope that you remember to carry peace with you. Hold on to that. 

My reflections on a year of angel card readings: the six things we all need to know

OK, so it hasn’t been a full year of angel card readings. I dipped my toe into this slowly, and I only launched professionally in July. But I did start the Oracle Card Of The Day, which I do on social media every day (obvs), in 2014, so that’s good enough for me to call it a year.

Talking to people’s angels and delivering guidance that helps them heal and transform is an enormous privilege. What I’ve learned through being in such a special position is – and I’ve said this before, many times – that we are different, but we are all the same.

Here are the common messages that have come through in my conversations with the angelic realm this year, that apply to us all:

1 The answer to every problem you have is within you. The challenge is to listen to your intuition, and trust it. This is why the number one piece of feedback I get after a reading is: “This has confirmed what I was already thinking.” The more you can do to tune into your intuition, the better your life will flow.

2 Everybody is afraid of something. Most of us, a lot of things. Whatever it is (fear of rejection, failure or loneliness), you are not the only person who feels this way. But you are the only person who can move through that fear block. Drinking to ignore the problem is not helping you. Neither is remaining in that relationship that you’ve outgrown. If you choose not to move through fear, you will remain stuck.

3 Nobody is getting enough sleep. Nobody.

4 We’ve all got control issues. We all want to know when our soulmate will show up, when our children will be born, when we’ll get our dream job… the angels seldom answer these questions about timing directly, and here’s why: the Universe is much better at running your life than you are. Yes you should absolutely chase your dreams, but ultimately the Universe is in charge of the how and when. Learning to let go and trust in that process is a BIG hurdle for almost all of us.

5 You need to spend more time outdoors. This message comes up again and again, and that’s because we spend too much time in front of screens instead of streams. Simply being around nature – especially water – stimulates movement in your energy field which helps you let go of negative emotions. It also takes you out of your head space (resulting in overanalysing and worrying) and into your heart space (which is where you remember that everything is going to be OK). Yes please do overlook the fact that I am writing this post indoors on a computer screen, and you are no doubt reading it in similar circumstances.

6. You are, in the words of that great 20th century philosopher Winnie the Pooh (lol), braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. This comes through for people in readings again and again, because we are all undervaluing our own awesomnity. Me included. My quest to raise my self-esteem has been the biggest theme on my blog. I know this because I know the Universe does not make broken people (even though you might feel like you are sometimes). You are doing the best you can, and that is enough. Of course you can do better – and you will. And that’s part of what you are here, in this ‘earth school’ (as past-life regression expert Dr Brian Weiss cutely calls it), to learn. Back yourself. You got this. And the angels have got your back.

Making peace with the past, and its scars

In the process of writing last week’s post about transformation I started thinking about my phoenix tattoo, which got me thinking about regret and acceptance.

The phoenix is, of course, a potent symbol of transformation. It’s the mythical bird that rises from the ashes after adversity. The caterpillar emerging from its cocoon into a beautiful butterfly. You get the idea. 
I was certainly making a statement when I chose to get a phoenix tattooed on my upper back at the age of 22. I was also ahead of my time, as Ben Affleck has just done the very same (although his is more colourful and impressive).

To give you some background, at the time I got inked, I had come through the other side of a battle with depression and a redundancy. I wanted to carry a mark that would symbolise my resilience and inner strength. I hoped it would give me something to draw on in challenging times. I believed, in the naïve way that only a 22-year-old could, that I was through my biggest personal crisis. I did not then understand that life is a series of challenges and strength building, and that we are reborn again and again and again (unless, of course, we choose to stay stuck).

Instead of being a badge of honour, the tattoo became a source of regret. It didn’t remind me of my transformation, it only reminded me of the misery that had permeated that chapter of my life. I felt disappointed that I had not grown enough to become the person I had believed I could be on day in a dingy Auckland tattoo studio. Plus, it was kinda ugly. 

So, in my early 30s I decided to have it removed. Unfortunately the laser treatment process was excruciating (vastly more painful that the tattooing process), and was predicted to become more so as treatment progressed. It was also costly. So after five treatments I decided to make peace with the now slightly faded bird, and quit treatment. 

My tattoo removal story in Women's Health magazine

I totally understand how people who have tattoos of their ex’s name on their forearms, or Kermit the Frog tattoos on their butt (I actually know someone in this situation), would want to have those removed. But my tattoo wasn’t that awful. So why had I wanted it erased so badly?

What I’d been trying to do was the equivalent of what people do on Instagram every day – edit out the ugly side and present only the elements of myself that I wanted to be seen. I knew that getting rid of the tattoo would not alter the course of my history, but at least it would mean I wouldn’t have to keep reflecting on it – because every time someone saw the tattoo I had had to explain (in the vaguest of terms) that I had been through “a rough period”. In doing so I was invoking the heavy energy around that period once again. I felt a whiff of the despair and, just like a dementor in Harry Potter, its darkness loomed large. I didn’t want to be dragged down by that chapter any longer. I wanted to put that behind me once and for all. 

So very idealistic.

The past is ugly. It has shadows and it leaves scars. It cannot be erased – even with the heat of a laser. The challenge for me has been in finding a middle ground between acceptance and regret. More than a tattoo could, it was in writing about my battle with depression that I finally made peace with the parts of myself from which I had bled so profusely (read that post here). I now neither embrace nor recoil from reminders of my past struggles. I have taken the lessons and am doing my best to gently move on. I have regrets, but I no longer ruminate on them.

We are all better off for what we’ve been through, good and bad. That’s the unsightly truth.

Transformation is hard. But staying miserable is harder

I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of transformation. When I was a kid my favourite TV show was Jem and the Holograms. I loved that mousy Jerrica Benton had the ability to transform into a glamorous and adored popstar just by touching her star-shaped earrings. You can see how the idea of escaping a mediocre life and becoming extraordinary held such appeal to a young girl who was painfully shy and socially awkward. Come to think of it, the Jem narrative is probably the little girl’s equivalent of Clark Kent transforming into Superman. But with fun music and no burden of civic responsibility. And a lot of pink, which is still my favourite colour.

At some point in my childhood, I realised that most people are programmed to follow the same template for who you become. Something like this: get a job in an office, climb up the ranks, marry, have two kids, get two cats that ignore you (I swear I’ll never understand why people bother with cats!), move to a retirement home, forget everything, then die. The idea that you could choose your own direction and change it at any point was foreign to me. I did not yet understand how much power we have to shape the course of our lives, and how restrictive the supposedly safe path we are taught to follow really is.

Last week I went to a Conscious Club event where the Bondi Hipsters (a well-known Sydney comedy duo) did a presentation about their transition from working in well-paid jobs to becoming full-time entertainers (at great financial cost). For one of the brothers, Christiaan, the transformation was fairly dramatic. After returning from a trip through South America, he was at a client lunch when he suddenly started coughing up “buckets of blood”. He was diagnosed with tuberculosis and put into quarantine in hospital for 12 months. Yep, that’s a whole year in hospital with no one to talk to and no freedom to leave – a pretty depressing scenario. While in confinement, motivated by sheer boredom, he started making rap songs poking fun at his situation, and posting them on YouTube. The Fully Sick Rapper clips went viral. 
Christiaan is open about the fact that there were some pretty dark periods while he was in quarantine, but he says at no point in his lowest moments did he wish he had spent more time in the office or at work meetings. At the most challenging time in his life he had woken up to the fact that his career and substantial pay packet – the two things we’re all taught to chase, covet and hold dear – meant nothing. What mattered was how he had spent his 27 years on the planet so far – and that picture just wasn’t satisfying enough. When he was released from hospital he realised he could not go back to his corporate life – he had to keep living a life of creative expression. I’m paraphrasing here, but what he was saying to us was that he could no longer ignore the voice that had been begging him to live fully on his own path instead of dying partially on the conventional path.

If there is something your soul is longing to do, why aren’t you doing that? Maybe you yearn to write a book. Maybe you dream of fostering kids. Maybe you want to be an alpaca farmer (that would be so great – alpacas are really cute!).

Maybe the idea of transformation scares you. I get that. When you go in a direction that doesn’t fit the template, you have no certainty. But here’s the thing: there are no guarantees on the ‘safe’ path either. You could lose your job. Your spouse could die. Your kid could end up a drug addict. You could get tuberculosis. Your life could be thrown into turmoil at any moment. In such a volatile world, isn’t it better to choose a path that makes you happy?

If there is a voice in you telling you that something needs to change, maybe it’s time to listen to it. Transformation is not easy. It creates a rupture in the fabric of your life, and it can cause friction in your most intimate relationships. You might fail. You might end up poor. You might lose your reputation. But there’s one thing harder than transformation: not changing. Not changing leads to regret. And, just like a quarantine hospital ward, regret is a miserable place to live.

You don’t have to own a pair of pink star earrings to transform your life, you just have to listen to your heart. You already know what you need to do.