On 'Sliding Doors' and living with regret

(Photo by Verne Ho on Unsplash)

Have you ever wondered about how different your life might have been if you’d made different choices in your past? Of course you have – you’re human. So here’s a more challenging question: how attached are you to that imagined life? What I mean is, does imagining something different cause you to view your actuallife with resentment or bitterness?

Recently I rewatched the 1998 movie Sliding Doors and it got me thinking about regret and the lives we might have otherwise lived. In case you can’t quite remember it (well, it did come out 21 years ago!), the film explores two different life paths following Gwyneth Paltrow’s character either catching or missing a particular train. In one narrative, she gets home in time to find her partner cheating, moves out, gets a sassy haircut, starts her own business, falls for a new boyfriend and takes control of her life. In the other, she gets home too late to witness the cheating, and her doormat-y life continues more or less as it had (until the twist at the end). What made Sliding Doors so enticing to audiences, I suspect, was that it invited us to fantasise about an alternative life we could have had if only fate had steered us in a different direction.

(Photo by Robert Tudor on Unsplash)

Here’s the thing about fantasies: they keep us from being grounded in the lives we *do* have. When we invest emotionally in a fantasy, we’re tacitly agreeing to be passive observers rather than active participants in creating our futures. Sliding Doors made it look like fate determines the course of our lives, and that’s simply not true. We are the ones in charge, and the Universe is there to work with us. (Read more about this in my ‘Who’s in charge?’ post.)

In one of her much-loved Dear Sugar columns for The Rumpus, Cheryl Strayed wrote: “I’ll never know, and neither will you, of the life you don’t choose. We’ll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn’t carry us. There’s nothing to do but salute it from the shore.”

I love the way she acknowledges the appeal of a fantasy life and how captivating it can be, but also recognises that ruminating over it can be detrimental.

So many of my clients tell me how heavily the burden of regret weighs on them. One client had spent years shaming herself for choosing something that seemed right at the time but which, she felt, had got her to a point in her life where she no longer wanted to be. She was stuck on the idea that she had ruined, or at least hampered, her life. She was attached to the idea of the life she would/should/could have been living right now if she’d made different choices. This is the great lie that shame tells us all. In truth, there is no alternative life. All of us are where we are because that is where we’re meant to be. But we don’t have to stay there.

(Photo by David Valuja on Unsplash)

Last year, when I was writing a feature about regret (I’m also a freelance journalist), I interviewed a life coach who told me that regrets about the past are often a tactic employed to avoid the present. She told me: “It’s easy to go, ‘it was so fantastic with that boyfriend when I was 23’, but there was a reason that that didn’t work out. It’s really easy to click into the ‘grass is greener’ scenario. [But] there’s no way that we can make changes without going into whatever’s in the present that we’re trying to avoid.”

It’s an important point. When we’re lamenting the past or investing energy into an alternative life, we’re giving away our power. We’re holding onto a fantasy and giving ourselves licence to stay stuck in sorrow for something that was – in truth – never meant to be. You’re entitled to your sorrow, but if you let that rob your present of joy, you’re doing yourself a disservice.

(Photo by Eli DeFaria on Unsplash)

For better or worse, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. You made the choices you made because you didn’t know then what you know now. And if you’re not happy where you are right now, that’s a good thing – because you have the power to change it. The only way to turn your life around is to face up to the ways your current life is falling short, and commit to making changes over time. That’s a narrative you’re unlikely to see in film, but it may help you make great strides towards the life that you want.

*If you need help turning your life around, talk to me about how energy healing can help you clear blocks to success and manifest a better reality. Click here to find out more.

Why are we so angry?

I’ve been surrounded by a lot of angry humans recently. People tearing down other people, people having full-on rants (online and IRL), not to mention celebrities trading insults publicly. And briefly a few weeks ago, I was one of them (an angry person, I mean, not a celebrity).

For two days recently, general annoyances compounded to make my blood boil. These included (but are not limited to): people not recycling; people stopping walking in the street right in front of me; people playing loud music on the bus; people trolling Victoria Beckham for kissing her daughter on the lips (I can’t even).

By nature, I’m not an angry person. I’m fairly good at processing my emotions then letting them go. So when I find myself becoming furious about the way other people are behaving – which, unless it’s directed at me, is actually none of my business – it’s a sign there’s something going on within myself that I need to address. Because anger, I think, is a bit like Instagram followers – the more of it you have, the more you’ll attract. 

Recently I found myself nodding along as I read an article in Stylist magazine which said that, as a society, our displays of frustration are becoming more frequent. It quoted a UK study which found that 71 per cent of internet users have exploded over computer problems; 50 per cent of shoppers have blown up over parking and 45 per cent of us regularly lose our temper at work. 

The story gave some reasons we’re – to use a classy Aussie expression – getting the shits, regularly. With long commutes, the relentless lure of the internet and greater work demands, we’ve got very little time to ourselves. So when something threatens that precious time – a traffic jam, a printer error, for example – we become panicked and we lose it. According to a study, 40 per cent of us will abandon a web page that takes more than three seconds to load. Three seconds!

As well as being fuelled by everyday annoyances, my anger was also directed at people who were doing things I didn’t approve of…. because, you know, I totally have the right to sign off on other people’s life choices (lol). When I became incensed at seeing a total stranger posting pictures of a 10-day juice cleanse, I realised my anger was completely irrational. Personally, I would never do a juice cleanse because I believe our livers are perfectly capable of getting rid of toxins, so depriving ourselves of the food our bodies needs to thrive just doesn’t make sense… to ME. But what other people do with their bodies is actually none of my business. So why, then, would I get angry about this woman’s choices? Oh, that would be the work of my inner control freak.

In my 20s (*gulp*), I had a tendency to try to force onto other people my political views, my exercise regimen, even my particular spiritual philosophies of the day... and responding with barely concealed contempt when they didn’t oblige. This did not, as you can imagine, make me good company at dinner parties. I remember one friend confessing she was sometimes scared to express an opinion she knew I didn’t share, for fear of setting me off on one of my shouty diatribes. *cringe*

Here’s the thing about anger: it’s a mask for deeper feelings. That’s why psychologists call it a secondary emotion. Beneath it is usually fear – of being inadequate, being rejected or being deprived of something (love or respect, for example). But instead of comforting and reassuring the scared child within, the angry old man in us takes over. Because shouting and launching verbal attacks seems to offer immediate relief, or at least release. But any relief is short-lived. The painful emotion lingers. 

We live in a world in which we have no ability to predict or control what might be thrown at us (although we always have agency over the way we respond). We are all scared. While talking about Islamophobia recently, The Project presenter Waleed Aly made some incredibly insightful comments about human behaviour: “When we are presented with what we perceive as an outrageous opinion, we can consider what motivated that person, try to understand their fear, and empathise with how they came to their conclusion. The truth is, what motivates them is fear. And fear is one thing we all share.” He wasn’t talking about anger, necessarily, but the sentiment is the same. 

My anger was motivated by fear. I wanted others to be on board with my viewpoints to make me feel assured that I was ‘right’ – others having a differing perspective to mine felt like a threat. I had realised I was different and did not fit in with the crowd. I suppose I was frantically looking for assurance and a sense of belonging.

When I started to engage in a process of personal development (yep, still going with that one!), I started to feel more confident about my place in the world and less inclined to seek validation from other people. I’m at peace with the ‘not knowingness’ that is a part and parcel of being an adult. I have realised that I do not need other people on my side – and that, in fact, there are no sides. I’m more at peace with the idea that I can cope with the beautiful confusion that we call life, instead of becoming increasingly panicked that I am not good enough, am in danger of being overwhelmed or missing out on something. In other words, in learning to respect myself for my differences, I learned to respect other people for theirs. 

These are the lessons I need to return to whenever I find myself getting angry at people for simply being people who are not me. This does not excuse shitty behaviour by people directed to me, obviously. But when it comes to everyday annoyances or people making decisions that have nothing to do with me, it’s about returning my focus to the things that *are* within my control: namely, my own choices.  

If anyone needs me, I’ll be over here cleaning up my own backyard.

My reflections on a year of angel card readings: the six things we all need to know

OK, so it hasn’t been a full year of angel card readings. I dipped my toe into this slowly, and I only launched professionally in July. But I did start the Oracle Card Of The Day, which I do on social media every day (obvs), in 2014, so that’s good enough for me to call it a year.

Talking to people’s angels and delivering guidance that helps them heal and transform is an enormous privilege. What I’ve learned through being in such a special position is – and I’ve said this before, many times – that we are different, but we are all the same.

Here are the common messages that have come through in my conversations with the angelic realm this year, that apply to us all:

1 The answer to every problem you have is within you. The challenge is to listen to your intuition, and trust it. This is why the number one piece of feedback I get after a reading is: “This has confirmed what I was already thinking.” The more you can do to tune into your intuition, the better your life will flow.

2 Everybody is afraid of something. Most of us, a lot of things. Whatever it is (fear of rejection, failure or loneliness), you are not the only person who feels this way. But you are the only person who can move through that fear block. Drinking to ignore the problem is not helping you. Neither is remaining in that relationship that you’ve outgrown. If you choose not to move through fear, you will remain stuck.

3 Nobody is getting enough sleep. Nobody.

4 We’ve all got control issues. We all want to know when our soulmate will show up, when our children will be born, when we’ll get our dream job… the angels seldom answer these questions about timing directly, and here’s why: the Universe is much better at running your life than you are. Yes you should absolutely chase your dreams, but ultimately the Universe is in charge of the how and when. Learning to let go and trust in that process is a BIG hurdle for almost all of us.

5 You need to spend more time outdoors. This message comes up again and again, and that’s because we spend too much time in front of screens instead of streams. Simply being around nature – especially water – stimulates movement in your energy field which helps you let go of negative emotions. It also takes you out of your head space (resulting in overanalysing and worrying) and into your heart space (which is where you remember that everything is going to be OK). Yes please do overlook the fact that I am writing this post indoors on a computer screen, and you are no doubt reading it in similar circumstances.

6. You are, in the words of that great 20th century philosopher Winnie the Pooh (lol), braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. This comes through for people in readings again and again, because we are all undervaluing our own awesomnity. Me included. My quest to raise my self-esteem has been the biggest theme on my blog. I know this because I know the Universe does not make broken people (even though you might feel like you are sometimes). You are doing the best you can, and that is enough. Of course you can do better – and you will. And that’s part of what you are here, in this ‘earth school’ (as past-life regression expert Dr Brian Weiss cutely calls it), to learn. Back yourself. You got this. And the angels have got your back.

Things I learned about myself while travelling

I’ve recently returned from a holiday overseas, which was absolutely everything I needed it to be. Not only did the trip do the world of good for my health and wellbeing, but it also gave me plenty of opportunities for self-reflection. Here is some of what came to light.

I am better at dealing with unfamiliar situations than I used to be. I remember five years ago when I was visiting Vancouver, I got hopelessly lost and became so worked up about it that I couldn’t decipher my map. Embarrassingly, I started crying. I did become lost several ttimes on this trip (it’s inevitable) and although it was frustrating I noticed it no longer sends me into panic mode. Which meant I was therefore more open to the opportunities it would open up. And that’s because…

Being in another country forces you to relinquish control. If you’ve ever been to Venice, a labyrinthine city in which maps are useless, you’ll have experienced that liberation of deciding to simply go with the flow. This happens to me almost every time I travel, regardless of language or navigational difficulties. When you can’t find that Yelp-recommended restaurant and you’re so hungry you could chew your arm off, you have to go with the eatery that is right in front of you. And even though the place is empty (which might be a bad sign) and you don’t speak Korean (and Google Translate won’t work without WiFi), you have to take a punt and hope what you're eating is edible and gluten-free. It will be fine, it always is.

I am better at talking to strangers than I used to be. I will never be entirely comfortable at meeting new people, but I have noticed that over the past year I am less likely to freeze and stammer awkwardly than I used to be. This sounds like a minor thing but what it shows me is that I am more comfortable within myself than ever before.

Nice people are everywhere. They really are. Without me asking (I have never been good at asking for help), people will detect that you need assistance. I had people grab hold of one end of my suitcase when I was struggling with it on the subway stairs. People approach me and offer guidance when I was trying to work out which side of the avenue I needed to be on. People walk up to me and start chatting when they saw me drinking alone. And that was in New York – which I’d been led to believe was full of hard, aggressive people.

More than being in a new location, it’s being out of your normal routine that benefits you the most. In the absence of concerns about work, relationship conflicts, household chores and general life admin, it’s easier to be fully present in the moment. You soak in sights, smells and energies that you don’t notice in your everyday world. You’re transported back to a child-like state of wonder and life feels like an adventure again. Every day I was away felt like it lasted at least two days, and it was glorious. Of course it’s not possible for this to shape every day of your life, but I’d like to find ways to bring back more wonder into my daily life and be more cognisant of the beauty that makes up my world.

Me, Brooklyn Heights,  Manhattan behind me.

It also created space for a lot negative self-talk that’s been going on in the background to come to the fore, which has affirmed some areas I need to work on.

I am essentially a good person. I noticed that whenever customer service clerks were rude to me, which was often, I would always endeavour to counter that with an overdose of politeness. I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t partially to draw attention to their rudeness. But mostly it was because I could tell they really needed someone to be nice to them. I’m being overly simplistic here because I don’t think there’s a need to dress this up: if you can spend time among rude people and not become rude yourself, you’re probably a good person.

Other people might take your holiday personally. I don’t mean that literally, as in, other people will come along for the ride, but I have found that many people processed my holiday stories and photos in relation to their own lives, even though my trip had nothing to do with anyone else. When I posted holiday photos (and I did limit them to two or three pictures a day), some people would rush in and comment how they’d already been there and seen that, as if this made them somehow superior. Some would openly say: ‘I’m so jealous!’ Which I find baffling. (If you want a holiday, why don’t you just book one? It’s not like I have something you can’t have.) And then when I returned, some people apparently thought I needed to be brought down a peg or two, so without me even speaking they would make smirking comments like: ‘I bet you feel like you never even left!’ and ‘you're not on holiday now!’ I’m not sure why some people are resistant to other people having a good time. People are weird. 

I’ve got the power – and so do you. Time to stop playing the victim, and use it

If you’re ready to make changes in your life – and since you’re reading this blog, I’m assuming that you are – this is the time to do it. With a full moon tonight in Capricorn – that’s the ultra-ambitious, success-driven sign of the zodiac (shoutout to all the Cappys!) – the energy is right for using your power to create something amazing.

Unfortunately, power has a serious PR problem. We think that it corrupts, dominates and breeds exploitation. In other words, we regard it as a negative entity to be avoided. But in a spiritual sense, power is actually a positive force because it’s what we draw on to make our dreams come true and propel ourselves forward – and for that reason, it’s intrinsically connected to love. It’s only when it’s used out of fear – for example, by world leaders who are so motivated by fear of being inadequate that they fixate on controlling other people – that power gets a bad name.

At many points in my life I have rendered myself powerless. In my early 20s I blamed my flatmates for cooking badly, which gave me an excuse to be overweight. I blamed the economy for my poor cashflow, which gave me an excuse not to manage my funds better. I blamed my industry for being too competitive, which gave me an excuse not to pitch for work I wanted (thereby risking failure). I blamed my city for being too boring, which gave me an excuse not to work harder at overcoming my shyness barrier and extending my social circle (thereby risking rejection). Oh, poor me!

When you’ve cast yourself as the victim, as I had, you are giving away your power. You are blaming other people – your lazy partner, your inept boss, your unforgiving father, whoever it is – for the state of your life. If your problems are someone else’s fault, that (conveniently) means you don’t have to take responsibility for your choices. You have licence to test the patience of your friends by whingeing and complaining all the live long day. Poor you.

It took a very long time for me to accept that nothing was going to change until I did. The point of power was in my decision to adjust the way I had framed these situations in my mind. Even if you can’t change your situation, you can always change the way you think about it. Taking control of your thoughts, and not resenting others for the landscape of your life, is the first step in taking back your power. And that gives rise to action.

If your life isn’t playing out how you’d like it to, ask yourself honestly if you have been blaming someone else for that. Other people may well be involved, complicit and even influential, but ultimately you hold all the cards. You have the power to change the situation and yield a better result – for everyone. To borrow a cliché, the best time to do that is yesterday, and the second best time is today. With 2015 being a ‘number eight year’ (read more here) and the full moon beaming out in Capricorn, this is a – ahem – powerful time to be alive. We have the power to create a shiny new reality for ourselves and others around us. Things that may not have seemed possible in previous years are no longer closed off. Who would have thought the US would finally legalise same-sex marriage?! This proves that wonderful things are possible when you act from a place of love. And despite its image problem, power is all about love. When you truly know how much value you hold, you know that you deserve to have your dreams come true, and you’ll feel inspired to utilise the power available to you to make that happen.  

The onus is on you, right now, to take back your own power and use it to get what you want (what you want, what you really really want). Be bold. Be creative. Be your own hero. The Universe responds to thoughts, prayers and affirmations, but it bends most favourably in your direction when you take action. Go do that.