Don't be a martyr – say NO to other people and say YES to yourself

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”

I saw this quote on Instagram the other day and I actually cheered. I’ve been wanting to write a post about the power of saying NO for some time, and this quote sums up my thoughts perfectly. 

You know how safety announcements on planes tell you to attach your own oxygen mask before helping others with their masks? That’s because you can’t help other people if you have not been looking after yourself. In simpler, less alarming terms: you can’t give energy if your own tank is empty. 

A lot of people who seek reiki treatment have emotional imbalances because they’ve created energy blocks in their bodies through having a lack of boundaries in their lives.

So many of us – especially women, because we’re often socially conditioned to be people-pleasers – struggle to say the word NO to things that we don’t want to do because we think people won’t like us. We don’t like letting people down – so we say yes to every social event or request... and in doing so, we let ourselves down, because we end up stressed and on the path to burnout. We fear what other people will think of us if we say NO so we say yes, then we end up resentful about having no time to ourselves, and feel like we’re being taken advantage of. We also feel stupidly, irrationally guilty about saying NO. 

Just to clear this up: no is not a bad word. It is a very powerful tool for protecting and enriching your energy levels and emotional health. If you consistently say yes when you want to say no, others will expect you to drop everything to help them whenever they need to move house, organise their parents’ anniversary party or remove an ingrown hair – because they’re responding to your past behaviour. You can’t expect people to honour boundaries that you have failed to set. 

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help out your mates and spend time with your relatives and in-laws – but not at the expense of your own health and wellbeing. If you feel like someone might be taking the piss and you’re feeling resentful about it, they probably are. Set very clear parameters, eg: “Yes I’ll come to your sister-in-law’s baby shower with you but I’ll only stay an hour” or “I won’t be able to give you a lift to yoga on Saturday morning because I really need a sleep-in but I’ll meet you for a quick coffee next weekend” or “I’ll look after your kids for two hours if you’ll pick mine up from school when I have a doctor’s appointment”.

You do not have to be a martyr in order to have close friendships or loving relationships. In fact, people will respect you more if you do set boundaries. If they don’t... maybe you need to ask yourself how much of a presence you want them to have in your life. 

The most important thing you need to know when it comes to boundaries is that saying yes to everyone does not make you popular or loved – it makes you a doormat. Set boundaries... before you set yourself on fire. 

PS I’ve just posted the quote at the top of this page on my Instagram – if it takes your fancy, visit my feed at @onegroundedangel and regram it. 

Stuck in grumpy mode? There's probably something going on underneath

For the past few days I’ve been really shitty, and despite my best efforts to shake it, I keep reverting to a state best described as the angry love child of Grumpy Smurf and Oscar the Grouch. I’ve found myself replaying old arguments in my head and scripting shouty comebacks. I sent off a series of terse emails. And yesterday on the train, the sound of someone constantly rustling a plastic bag annoyed me so much I had to get up and change seats. (I was also tempted to shout at her for using plastic bags, which is surely the greater crime, no?)

All this irritation had no obvious cause, but it went on for days and I suspected something else was going on internally.
My body was giving me signals that it was experiencing irritation at a deep level. My jaw became tight and painful (this is one part of the body where we hold on to anger), my digestion went out of whack (something which is usually, but not always, associated with emotional stress) and I developed hay fever (which is all about irritation)*.

Anger and irritation are perfectly valid emotions, and me experiencing them is not a problem in and of itself. The issue for me was that they weren’t prompted by a specific event or experience, and they were lingering like out-of-town relatives after Boxing Day. I knew that this was something that needed to be investigated.

When I thought about what is really frustrating me at the moment, I instantly felt that sensation in my gut that I get when I know I’ve identified something significant. There’s the fact I have to move out of my house, which is going to be an exhausting process that will cost me money I don’t have right now (and am worried that I won’t find, despite the angels’ reassurances to the contrary). There’s also the fact that my business is taking a long time to get off the ground. The experience of sitting in an empty room with an empty diary and waiting for the phone to ring is somewhat soul-destroying. 

It wasn’t hard to see the common thread: fear. Namely, fear of failure and fear of not having enough (money, resources, time). So many metaphysical books say that everything comes back to fear. In fact, anger is often referred to as a secondary emotion because it is usually masking another emotion. And often, that emotion is anchored in fear. 

Recognising my fears and calling them out for playing saboteur on my physical health hasn’t made me any less annoyed, but at least I’m aware of what’s really going on – and that’s helping me to put my focus back on what will help me move forward: patience. Accepting that my life is unfolding exactly as it should, and being patient with that process, makes me feel more calm. I hope that that will translate to patience across the board, making me less inclined to react to surface-level irritations. That’s the theory, anyway. 

I can’t, however, make any guarantees regarding the safety of plastic bag rustlers. 

* For the record, this doesn’t mean that if you sneeze you’re afraid of something – it probably just means you should stay away from pollen (lol). Also, sometimes a bad mood is just a bad mood. What I’ve documented here was just my experience of a lot of physical symptoms and emotional triggers adding up to the same thing. 

Amazing grace. I want it

For most of my life I have longed to be graceful. I wished I could glide into a room emanating such allure that every man would stop what he was doing to admire me. To dress impeccably and with such class I could have just stepped off a billboard. To hold myself with such poise that there would be no need for me to even speak.

I possess none of these attributes. My sense of style is less about style and more about whatever items I can rustle up that don’t make me look like I’m in the middle of a reality TV home renovation. My inability to match garments is renowned. Instead of sitting neatly in place, my hair behaves like your wild teenage daughter – i.e. it’s never where it’s supposed to be. And despite being blessed with long, slender legs I am unable to wear heels that would gift me the feminine appeal I long for. In heels, I have all the finesse of a newborn foal stepping on butter. In my beloved ballet flats I have good control but the refinement of a truck driver.

What I have realised, though, is that no matter how unruly my appearance and disposition, I can live in a state of grace – although not in the way the majority of people define the word.

Last Christmas I wrote a post about grace as associated with redemption, and my definition of the word has broadened further since. Our society loves to hold up Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's as the epitome of grace and elegance. Yet that role – as a character who displayed precious little regard for other people’s feelings – is far removed from what made this celebrated actress truly graceful. It’s true that she was mesmerisingly beautiful, but her grace had nothing to do with her face or her wardrobe, and everything to do with her heart. 

Audrey worked tirelessly as a UNICEF ambassador, fulfilling the call she felt from within to bring hope and

worldwide attention to the plight of starving children in countries such as Ethiopia – a humanitarian mission I admit I didn’t know about until I read about it on social media. Rather than focusing on looking fair, she implored the world to BE fair… in the way it distributes its resources and opportunities.

This, to me, is grace. No longer do I aspire to be chic or elegant (that’s probably for the best, all considered), but there’s opportunity for me to build towards a state of grace in my thoughts, attitudes and behaviour. Certainly I’ll never reach Audrey’s levels but that doesn’t mean I can’t maximise opportunities to show and feel grace in my everyday life. Grace is gently leaning forward when I want to retreat. Grace is showing kindness to myself and to others even when I don’t feel like it. Grace is finding peace in my heart amid a cacophony of criticism, fear and drama. Grace is gently reminding myself on my bad days that tomorrow is another day and it will be better.

That’s my understanding of grace – and it truly is amazing.

Stand up for what you think is right - but speak with love

I’ve spent most of my life running from confrontation, so I can understand how yesterday’s angel card – which urged us to stand up for what we believe – might have been a little difficult for some of you to digest. The reason many of us struggle with assertiveness is because we don’t want to cause friction or upset other people. We’d rather suffer than put ourselves in a situation where we might spark a conflict. This is doing ourselves an enormous disservice, and robbing the other person of a cue to reflect on their actions. And that’s a shame because we are all here to help each other lead better lives – but, ideally, without judgement and without infringing on others’ right to choose their own direction.

It’s important to know that you’re not being mean to someone if you say something that is contrary to their opinion or behaviour. If they are doing something you consider unfair, immoral or which causes pain and difficulty to another person (including yourself), you’ll feel a pull to speak up from within. What’s important is that your intentions are good – ie you speak from the heart – and that you frame it in a way that isn’t a personal attack. If someone cuts in front of you in a queue, for example, you’re not being a troublemaker if you point out that they’ve cut in, and that you were there first. Regardless of the outcome, at least you said something – sometimes people will take the piss because they’re willing to wager that no one will call them out on it. Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. If you call someone a nasty name and shout at them for their rudeness, that’s probably not going to go well. 

Speak your truth - with love

I’m not saying there aren’t sometimes consequences to speaking out – and of course you should take that into consideration – but if your intuition is telling you to speak up, you’re urged to honour that. 

The history books are bursting with examples of people who’ve spoken up despite the risk of adverse effects – whistleblowers, civil rights campaigners, agents for change. But it’s not only big social issues that call us to speak our truth, it’s everyday interactions.

About eight years ago, my best friend at the time, who was living overseas, made the very difficult decision to break up with her boyfriend and move back home. Because it was going to be so challenging living with him while she went through the process of packing up, leaving work and severing ties with the city, she decided not to tell him she was leaving until just before her departure date, about three months down the track. I can certainly understand her desire to delay that inevitable crushing moment, but I felt that in not telling him their relationship was already over she was deceiving him. I felt – and this is only my opinion, of course – that she was being unfair. In buying “peace” for herself she was maximising the pain for him later on, when he realised he’d been kept in the dark and misled as to their future together. I told her all of that... and I think you can guess how well it went.

She went ballistic at me and told me that as her friend, my job was to support her. I believed then – and I still believe – my role as her friend is to challenge her on significant choices that reflect poorly on her. Of course I was far too upset to explain that at the time. Instead of reflecting again on whether her decision was right – which she probably, deep down, knew would bring her face to face with something she did not want to face – she chose to focus on being outraged at me. A personal attack ensued, and we did not speak for about three months, which made us both miserable and put a lot of strain on our mutual friends. I should point out that this is only my side of the story, and I’m sure she has her own perspective on the incident. I should also point out that the way I expressed my thoughts was embarrassingly sanctimonious and laden with judgement, so I can hardly blame her for firing up. (Cringe.)

Do I regret my decision to speak up? No, although I’m not proud of the way I expressed myself. For me, it was important. One of my core values is treating other people fairly. It’s not up to me to tell other people how to behave but in a situation where I feel a deep unjustice is being done, I would like to think I will always use my words (carefully) to bring another perspective to light so others will pause and question their actions. What they do after that is up to them – and if they’re a friend of mine, my job then is to accept that and look for ways to support them.

If you feel deeply uncomfortable about someone’s actions and they ask you for your opinion – or worse, ask you to be party to it – what will you do? Doing the right thing is an incredibly complicated – and often, risky – act but it’s one that your angels ask you to honour as much as you can.

It’s certainly something to think about.

I’ve got the power – and so do you. Time to stop playing the victim, and use it

If you’re ready to make changes in your life – and since you’re reading this blog, I’m assuming that you are – this is the time to do it. With a full moon tonight in Capricorn – that’s the ultra-ambitious, success-driven sign of the zodiac (shoutout to all the Cappys!) – the energy is right for using your power to create something amazing.

Unfortunately, power has a serious PR problem. We think that it corrupts, dominates and breeds exploitation. In other words, we regard it as a negative entity to be avoided. But in a spiritual sense, power is actually a positive force because it’s what we draw on to make our dreams come true and propel ourselves forward – and for that reason, it’s intrinsically connected to love. It’s only when it’s used out of fear – for example, by world leaders who are so motivated by fear of being inadequate that they fixate on controlling other people – that power gets a bad name.

At many points in my life I have rendered myself powerless. In my early 20s I blamed my flatmates for cooking badly, which gave me an excuse to be overweight. I blamed the economy for my poor cashflow, which gave me an excuse not to manage my funds better. I blamed my industry for being too competitive, which gave me an excuse not to pitch for work I wanted (thereby risking failure). I blamed my city for being too boring, which gave me an excuse not to work harder at overcoming my shyness barrier and extending my social circle (thereby risking rejection). Oh, poor me!

When you’ve cast yourself as the victim, as I had, you are giving away your power. You are blaming other people – your lazy partner, your inept boss, your unforgiving father, whoever it is – for the state of your life. If your problems are someone else’s fault, that (conveniently) means you don’t have to take responsibility for your choices. You have licence to test the patience of your friends by whingeing and complaining all the live long day. Poor you.

It took a very long time for me to accept that nothing was going to change until I did. The point of power was in my decision to adjust the way I had framed these situations in my mind. Even if you can’t change your situation, you can always change the way you think about it. Taking control of your thoughts, and not resenting others for the landscape of your life, is the first step in taking back your power. And that gives rise to action.

If your life isn’t playing out how you’d like it to, ask yourself honestly if you have been blaming someone else for that. Other people may well be involved, complicit and even influential, but ultimately you hold all the cards. You have the power to change the situation and yield a better result – for everyone. To borrow a cliché, the best time to do that is yesterday, and the second best time is today. With 2015 being a ‘number eight year’ (read more here) and the full moon beaming out in Capricorn, this is a – ahem – powerful time to be alive. We have the power to create a shiny new reality for ourselves and others around us. Things that may not have seemed possible in previous years are no longer closed off. Who would have thought the US would finally legalise same-sex marriage?! This proves that wonderful things are possible when you act from a place of love. And despite its image problem, power is all about love. When you truly know how much value you hold, you know that you deserve to have your dreams come true, and you’ll feel inspired to utilise the power available to you to make that happen.  

The onus is on you, right now, to take back your own power and use it to get what you want (what you want, what you really really want). Be bold. Be creative. Be your own hero. The Universe responds to thoughts, prayers and affirmations, but it bends most favourably in your direction when you take action. Go do that.